I've mentioned on another post that I was able to talk with a woman who had been through this, J. Her husband had a similar affair. She and her husband were triage for us. They didn't even know us, but they loved us, counseled us, shed tears with us. We are forever grateful to them. One of the greatest gifts of counsel that J gave me was to take each day, half hour by half hour.
When your husband has confessed adultery to you, it's all you can do to just keep breathing. If breathing is terribly hard, imagine what happens to your lungs when you think about the next day, the next week, the next year. I'll tell you what happens to your lungs, they shut down. It is far too overwhelming to try and think about or imagine what the future might hold. So J told me to just breath through the current half hour. Just think about the current half hour. There were half hours where I felt like I needed to be on oxygen, breathing in the Word and the truth that the Lord had for me. Then, there were some half hours where my lungs inhaled and exhaled easily. Half hour by half hour.
August 31st
When your husband has confessed adultery to you, it's all you can do to just keep breathing. If breathing is terribly hard, imagine what happens to your lungs when you think about the next day, the next week, the next year. I'll tell you what happens to your lungs, they shut down. It is far too overwhelming to try and think about or imagine what the future might hold. So J told me to just breath through the current half hour. Just think about the current half hour. There were half hours where I felt like I needed to be on oxygen, breathing in the Word and the truth that the Lord had for me. Then, there were some half hours where my lungs inhaled and exhaled easily. Half hour by half hour.
August 31st
Hi gals. I hope it doesn't seem
annoying to you to have to keep reading the things I'm praying through from my
journal...but it's just the simplest way for me to communicate right now.
Taken from my journal this morning:
I'm not sure why,
Lord, the mornings can feel the hardest. The mornings are when my stomach
feels the most nauseous, my appetite the least. It's when the
despair and weight of the situation feels the heaviest.
Lamentations 3:21-33
22 The steadfast
love of the LORD never ceases;[a] 21But this I call to
mind, and therefore I have hope: his mercies never
come to an end;23they are new every
morning; great is your faithfulness.24 "The
LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope
in him." 25The LORD is good to those who wait for
him, to the soul who seeks him.26 It is good
that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.27 It
is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. 28Let
him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him;29 let
him put his mouth in the dust— there may yet be hope;30 let
him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with
insults 31 For the Lord will
not cast off forever,32but, though he cause
grief, he will have compassion according to the
abundance of his steadfast love;33 for he does not willingly
afflict or grieve the children of men.
It says your mercies
are new each morning. I know they are. It says Your faithfulness is
great. I know it is. But I feel so crushed today. So
hopeless. But Your Word promises me that You will not cast me off
forever- but You will have compassion according to the abundance of Your
steadfast love. It says You do not willingly afflict or grieve the
children of man. Jesus, remind me of the truth always, that You didn't
want this for me. You don't want to see my heart crushed and in despair.
But Your Word does say, it is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his
youth. This is a heavy yoke--for both C and I. And we are
young. I have hope that we can recover. Your Word promises we can.
Lamentations 3: 55-59
I called on your name,
O LORD, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, ' Do not close your ear
to my cry for help!' You came near when I called on you: you said, ' do
not fear!' You have taken up my cause, O LORD; you have redeemed my life.
You have seen the wrong done to me, O LORD; judge my cause.
I read these
scriptures and I want them to give me hope. I said above that they do--
and I suppose they do, but I just still feel so defeated. So crushed.
It's so hard to have a peaceful, truth filled day like yesterday, then
wake up in the morning feeling so...afraid. Afraid that since the ball's
already dropped, that something is going to come along and crush it.
I laughed on the phone
last night with C. This morning, I think of him and cannot even
fathom being able to laugh with him. I feel so mad, so hurt by him. Help
me, Lord, to remember- half hour by half hour. Some of those are going to
be good ones, some bad. Just help me to cling to Your truth! Help
me to discern the whispers of Satan. Help me to not believe the lie that
there is a magical time line for this. I'm anxious to start counseling,
to feel like we're really taking steps to DO something instead of just being
separated. I know praying is life giving. It's my lifeline.
But I want to do more...
Psalm 86:47-5
Gladden the soul of
your servant, for to you Lord, do I lift up my soul. For you, O LORD, are
good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
I feel compelled, God,
to really pray for C right now. He says he's broken. He says he
regrets every moment of how he was living. He says he has no affection for K.
He says he will do anything to make our marriage work. He says it
doesn't matter how long it takes for me to forgive him. To love him
again. he says, he says, he says....But his words
mean nothing to me now. Nothing. Help me to trust him
again. Give me discernment in his words to know what is truth and what is
a lie. Jesus, help me to forgive his lies. Help me to
remember that I am a liar too. Help me to not compare my iniquities with
C's, or anyone else's for that matter. Jesus, forgiveness seems so
impossible. I feel heavy with the weight of it. Help me, one
moment, one instant at a time.
Jesus, You love me so
well. You have me, I know you have me, no matter what.
Isaiah 42:3-4
a bruised reed he will
not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully
bring forth justice. He will not grow faint or be discouraged till he has
established justice in the earth.
Isaiah 42:9
Behold, the former
things have come to pass, and new things now I declare...
Isaiah 43:1-3
But now thus says the
LORD, he who created you O Jacob, he who formed you O Israel: "Fear not
for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are mine.
when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the
rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall
not be burned and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I am clinging to the
truths in Your Word. Clinging to them for dear life. Because I feel
like I am drowning--- but Your Word promises me I won't.
