In this you rejoice...

September 13^th

hey ladies.  tonight C sent me a text that said: 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I went into my room and read it, and God tenderly lead me through a treasure trove of  scripture for my heart tonight.  I’ll share my journaling with you:

Your Word, Lord, it's like manna from heaven, feeding my starving soul.

1 Peter:1:6-7: In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Jesus, my entire being cries out to You that the tested genuineness of my faith -- in this trial of C's affair, and the trials of life to come -- that it may be found to result in praise and glory and honor of You.  Never before this whole thing have I truly grasped the mightiness, the gloriousness of Your Gospel.  Lord, let nothing else ever matter more to me.

1 Peter 4:1-2, 12-13: Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourself with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.  12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

Lord, I want this experience to change everything about me.  every relationship around me.  I want to live no longer for human passions, worshiping my husband, my marriage, my image, money, my kids, my title as a mom -- I don't want to live for those things anymore.  but I want to live for the will of God.  Your will, Your passions.  I rejoice at this fiery trial, insofar as I’m sharing in your sufferings.  You were betrayed by the one's You loved...and You loved them still.  Help me to still love C.  You suffered, You suffered every time we give our hearts to something/someone other than You, when our hearts are supposed to belong to You.  C gave his heart to another woman.  But I will rejoice Jesus, when Your glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:19: Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

I will continue on, living for You.  Though I suffer according to Your will, I will entrust my soul to You, my faithful Creator.  And I will keep doing good-- sharing the good news and truth of Your perfect and glorious sacrifice.  What's done is done, and the past is behind me.  I can't change what happened, but I have a choice in how I am going to live in the future.

And it is the promise at the end of these next verses that will spur me on, to keep going, to endure with joy.

1 Peter 5:6-11: Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful.  Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen.

I humble myself, Father, wholly and completely under your mighty hand.  I care not to be exalted myself, I only want to exalt You!  You care for me, You know my anxieties-- and You take them, relieve me of them with Your perfect truth and love.  I know that the devil is seeking to destroy me, my marriage-- the picture of Your Gospel.  But he will not devour me.  Or my marriage.  You are mightier than he.  I am in the midst of Your healing,  I know that You are restoring me, confirming, strengthening and establishing me.  No matter the future I am Yours.  I am Your bride.  Mighty God, to you be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen

This has been a good couple of half hours.  Praise God for His Word.  His truth.  His might.

The Gospel came in POWER

I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was just 10 years old.  I was invited to AWANAS by a friend and it was there that a woman spoke into my life about who Jesus was and what it meant to "accept Him".  I remember laying in my bed at a little 10 year old and asking Jesus to come into my heart.  Shortly after that, the family that loved on my and showed me Christ, and shared His gift with me moved away...and so did my general direction regarding the Lord.  It wasn't until I was 18 year old that I began walking with the Lord again, and it wasn't until I was 28 years old and my husband had confessed adultery to me that I truly understood the Gospel. 

September 21, 2011 from my journal:

I’m having a rough day, Lord.  I know You know, but I woke up feeling angry.  Defeated.  I feel angry at You, God.  I feel angry that C had an affair.  I feel angry that we sold our house.  I feel angry that I have to drive back and forth from my parents.  I feel angry that I’m a single mom right now.  I feel angry and frustrated.  I know that this is not a good place for my heart to be.  But I’m not so foolish as to believe that I’m not going to have days like this.  I’m thankful that You are big enough to stand my anger.  I’m thankful that I have the hope of knowing I’m not going to stay mad.  I feel frustrated that no one is checking in on C and I.  That I have to be the one to pursue still.  I feel angry that no one even responds to my emails.  I know that others have their own things going on, but I just feel a little…ignored?

September 26, 2011 from my journal:

I realize more daily how thankful I am to go through this trial.  I rejoice in this  severe mercy.  One, because I finally have the husband I’d always longed for, but most importantly, because I’ve realized I’ve always had the husband I longed for…You.  You have my heart completely.  I have amazing days with C right now.  You’ve truly worked a miracle in our marriage.  And the thing that I love the most about my amazing days with him?  That I still long for time with You.  I desire You more.  My earthly husband cannot satisfy me fully.  You can, and You do.  Thank you for carrying me through this war.  Thank You for healing my wound, for giving me medication through Your Word.  Thank You for restoring my marriage and giving me back my husband.  And thank you for restoring myself back to You.  Thank you for the Gospel. Thank You for helping me to understand it better than I ever could before this severe mercy. 

1 Thessalonians 1:4-10

For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen You, because our Gospel came to you not only in word, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction…you became imitators of us and of the LORD, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, so that you became an example to all the believers…For not only has the word of the LORD sounded forth from you, but your faith in God has gone forth everywhere, so that we need not say anything…and how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, Jesus, who delivers us from the wrath to come.

I don’t know that I was “chosen” by You, but I know that I am loved by You.  And I know that the Gospel came to me not only in Your Word, but in power to restore my marriage.  I receive Your Word in much affliction with the joy of the Holy Spirit.  I want to be an example to all believers, not to boast about myself, but to boast about You and Your mightiness.  I will continue to turn from idols.  Dig them up out of me, Jesus.  I want to serve You, the Living and True God.

Bowing down to idols

Sept. 11^th

Hey gals.  I thought it was high time I send an update to you.  Aachk.  It's so hard for me because I feel like over this last week’s I’ve used up all the words I had stored up for the rest of my life. (not to mention the tears).  This is not to say that things have been horrible, they really haven't.  I’m just pretty tired of talking, ya know?  Still, I’ll press on.  As is my style, I’ll share with you from my journal:

Sept. 8th (Thursday)

Oh Jesus, what and emotional day yesterday was.  In the morning we met with M.  I praise You for that pastor.  He was gently but firm.  He had good wisdom and counsel.  He really gave me some things to consider.  Thank You for using him.  For Your glory, Lord.  And last night C confessed to our small group.  I'm also incredibly thankful for that family of brothers and sisters.

Father, something that many weeks ago I couldn't even comprehend came about.  I offered him forgiveness.  I'd been holding onto it because I was afraid that others might think it was too soon.  And honestly, also because I wanted to continue making C wait for it.  And both of those reasons for withholding it from him were sin.  You were prompting me to forgive him and in my own selfishness I withheld it. Forgive me, Jesus.  I recognize that the longer I held onto that un-forgiveness, the darker the days would be to come.  The more opportunity for Satan to plant bitterness and lies in my head.  I am a sinner no less guilty than my adulterous husband.  And how could You forgive me if I was unwilling to forgive.  I'm still hurt, but I know that the time will come when this is just a scar.  When it doesn't hurt as much.  And I know that because You are the Great Healer, it will be a scar that heals well.  In my unforgivness, I felt much like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son.  You were rejoicing, my brothers and sisters, our friends were rejoicing at the return of Your son, at C's redemption and yielding to Your hand.  And I have been the older brother, sulking.  Wondering where's my party?  I was the good one, the one who didn't leave You.  And that is sin.  That was pride and haughtiness on my part and You do no stand for that.

Luke 15:28-32:

But he was angry and refused to go in.  his father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat,  that I might celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!'  And he said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.  It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.'  Casey is alive, Jesus.  He is alive and I will rejoice with You.

One thing that M told me to do when we met on Wed. was to really try and examine some of the idols in my own life.  Figure out what the roots were and dig them up, no matter how much it hurt to examine my own heart.  So I prayed that God would begin to reveal them to me, and sure enough He started to right away.  The first to come to realization was that C and my marriage was an idol.  I thought that if I loved him enough, if I was a good enough wife, if I had sex with him enough, that I could provide a good marriage.  And I realized that having a marriage that looked and seemed peachy keen was an idol to me.  I figured I could be just "transparent" enough to fool others into believing we had it all together.  The second idol God revealed to me played into that, and into other things.  And that is an idol of pleasing others.  I'm not sure if that will make sense to you, but basically I bowed down to an idol of people pleasing.  I am so insecure, and so unsure of myself and who I am, that I figured if I could make myself be someone that others liked well enough, if I could just say yes yes yes to ever request made of me, if I could change who I was to suite the tastes of others...that I would gain friendships.  That I would gain a good reputation, of a woman well liked.  And I placed too much emphasis on being liked by others that I forgot that it only matters that I am loved by God.  That's the only thing that matters.  Idol number three and perhaps the hardest one (or most embarrassing one) to admit is this: I bowed down to the idol of having more children.  Why do/did I want to have more kids?  I truly love being a mom and enjoy having kids.  But I wrapped myself around the idea that I wouldn't be as respected by my peers (again, the people pleasing) if we didn't have the whole boat load of kids that they were having.  There, I said it.  I wanted to have more kids because my friends were having more kids.  If I stopped at having kids, then I wouldn't have been as good of a mom or as well of a respected mom as the friends of mine who are "adequate" at being a mom and has lots of kids.  Does that make sense?  It's gross, I know.  And in serving this idol, I was neglecting to praise God and just be thankful for the precious children God has already gifted me with.  I believed that they were not enough for me.  So even though right now is basically the WORST time to have to be thinking/talking about having more kids...we have to, and as we set our plans...I will not be birthing more children.  Because it is an idol in my life, and because it's come about that it's probably not safe for me to have more children, we are not having any more.  And do you know what?  I feel surprisingly peaceful about not having more kids.  It was the control that that idol had over my life that made me fret and be anxious.  But once released and submitting to God's will for myself, instead of stomping my feet and throwing a fit about what I wanted...I feel calm and peaceful.  And look forward to being a mama to my sweet kiddos...without worrying about/obsessing about if and when I’ll have another baby.  Jesus is enough for me.

Also from my journal (and then I’ll wrap this freakishly long email up):

Sept. 9th

Jesus, this whole recognition of and letting go of idols thing, it's harder then I though.  I think that C nailed a few  on the head yesterday and my response with less than pretty...

          -My recognized IDOLS:

               *C and our Marriage

               *Pleasing others to make myself feel good

               *Having more kids

What else, God?  What more is there?  I want them gone.  I do not want to bow down to ANYTHING but You.  

1 Cor. 10:12-

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. 

I cannot stand but by Your mercy and without the existence of idols in my life.  Father, please soften my heart towards C.  Help  me to love him and enjoy our marriage without building and alter in my heart to them.  My reactions to him yesterday were so gross.  My heart is so prideful and unwilling to hear truth.  I'm wrestling with having offered him forgiveness on Wednesday and now feeling so attacked.  My response to him calling me out on my sin, his helping me to recognize idols was like that of the servant forgiven his debt but who was unwilling to forgive his fellow servant.

Matthew 18:32-35-

Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.  And should not you have mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?'  And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.  So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.

Lord, I could never pay my debt to you, I would be in prison, in hell for eternity.  Help me to forgive C from my heart.

Overall, I had a good weekend spent with C.  I feel encouraged to be around him, as messed up as that seems....  I think right now, what I need the most prayer for is that I would be strong.  I feel so weak. Or actually, that I wouldn't be relying on my own strength (since I feel so weak) but instead I would be relying on the strength of Jesus to carry me out of this war.  I am feeling more and more tempted to just retreat into myself.  I am so tired of going back and forth from my parents’ house to our town.  I am tired of having to put on this fake happy face for my parents  (not that I’m feeling the need to sulk, but I just can't be totally real) And,  please pray that we by God's mercy would be able to find a house to rent sooner than later.  And pray for protection for my heart from Satan.  I can sense his desire to tear me down, to convince me that this is all too hard and that I should just give up.  

So that's that, gals.  I'm thankful for you all.  I'm thankful for your willingness to help carry this burden for me.

You'll never know how much you truly mean to me.

The wound ripped open.

September 10, 2011 from my journal:

I drove past that bar tonight and it was too sharp a turn for my wound.  It ripped right open. 

The images of them together, dancing holding hands, her in his lap, them kissing, and it ripped my wound open. 

But You, Jesus, are still carrying me through this war.  You are not growing weary carrying me in Your arms, You are not growing weary of my weight.  And when I ask You for comfort, You give it to me.  Thank You for carrying me, the wounded soldier.  You are my Hero.  Be my salve.  Let Your Word and Your truth be my healing balm.  

Restore first and most importantly C and I’s marriage to You, as we are Your Brides.  Then, please, restore C and I’s marriage to one another.  And for Your glory.  I don’t want it for the praise of man.  I don’t want to hear how brave I am.  I don’t need or deserve the praise for having my heart be where it is.  

You do.  

You deserve the praise because I know, I cannot forgive and heal and grow on my own.  Only you can restore.  Only You can rebuild.  Let me not forget Isaiah 42:9.  Help me to not become bogged down with the "what if’s", with the images of C's betrayal. 

Make me like You.  You don’t see our sin.  You remember it no more.  Help me to remember C’s sin no more.  New things, Jesus, new things now I declare with You.

Divorce.

When we think of idols, we often refer our minds to a carved piece of wood.  Or a shaped and molded piece of metal.  But an idol doesn't have to look like that at all, and it's often the idols that don't fit a "physical" mold that are the most damaging.  It took my husband's confession of adultery for me to finally recognize the indeed he was my biggest, most destructive idol.  What on earth do I mean by this?  Well, I was more focused on "pleasing", "satisfying", and living up to his standards (which is silly because he didn't even have standards for me, he loved me as i was!) than God's, who is my true Husband.  I was the cheerleader for: "happy home, happy husband!"  I wore the clothes he liked, the jewelry he liked, the make up he liked.  I preached a hard lesson of, "have sex with your husband at every chance you get!"  After all, if you are having sex with him often and keeping him satisfied at home, why on earth would he ever wander?  

YUCK!

Granted, these aren't bad things, but I  was putting my hope and my security of my marriage on these things instead of on the Lord.  My husband had an affair with another woman despite my effort to control this very thing.  Your husband might too.  I am not wishing this on you!  I would never ever ever ever want this for you, but what I want to communicate to you is this:  Jesus is your Husband.  Even if your husband, your wife betray's you, Jesus never will.  He will always be your Husband and you are His cherished, beloved Bride.  

Be cautious.  LOVE your husband!  Love him!!!!!!  But, do not turn him into an idol.

September 6, 2011 from my journal:

C talked about how he and I have gone through a divorce.  That divorce happened when he broke the covenant of our marriage vows.  And now he and I are dating again.  Boyfriend and girlfriend.  It feels at the same time scary and exciting.  He does not touch me, and I’m ok with that.  When we were dating/engaged we only kissed, but the intensity of it and frequency was too much.  He says that isn’t going to happen this time.  We’ll go slowly.  We also talked about how I need to grow.  How I need to be wary of turning C into and idol.  I don’t think it was intentional.  But it’s true, I did.  I took more security in having him for a husband.  But You are my Husband first.  My worry and fear is that C and I will with Your grace, by Your hand restore our marriage, and that he’ll cheat again.  But what I’m realizing is this:  he might.  He might start drinking again.  Looking at porn again. He might, but that cannot stop me from trusting You.  If that causes me to halt in fear, then C is still and idol to me.  My trust, my worship must be Yours.  No matter what.  Jesus, help me to let him be my husband without allowing him to become my Husband.  You will never leave me.  You will never cheat on me, steal from and betray me.  My future doesn't depend on C.  Truly, he doesn’t matter in the big picture.  You do.  That doesn’t mean I can’t love him, and enjoy him. He just can’t become more to me than You.  He can’t.

March on my soul, be strong.

September 7, 2011 from my journal:

I feel mad at C, I feel like this wound is festering right now.  Jesus, I need you.  I need Your truth that You are trustworthy.  You will never leave me.  As my Father, You hurt for me.  You have me, God.  I know you have me.

-March on my soul, be strong.

-The former things have come to pass, and now new things You declare.

I’m going to be ok.  No matter what the outcome of my marriage, I will always be Your bride.  Protect us from Satan.  Help us to recognize the lies.  Don’t let C forget the sting.  Change him.  Change me.

Psalm 138:3

On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.

Psalm 139:5

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.

Let not your emotion be an excuse for sin

I was the woman betrayed.  That gives me the right to be angry at the world, right?  Wrong.  This was certainly a time of learning to lay down my anger, to lay down my wounds, and trust that Jesus would heal.  When we are angry and hurt, we can often times feel justified in sinning in our actions, in our words, and even in our thought life.  This isn't ok!  There is a righteous anger, yes, and that is ok.  But to sin in anger is different.  

This is an email to some of the dear women who were helping to keep me accountable during this hard hard time.  

Hi.

I felt the need to share this with you all, to confess my sin during this time.  This is taken from my journal this afternoon:

“A sent me an email today and overall he was just comforting and exhorting.  I appreciate him so much, Lord.  He and S are taking on a heavy burden, one they don't deserve to have to carry.  Bless them, Jesus, bless them.  At one point in the email A said, ' My one caution for today and even this week:  Let not your emotion and anger and wrestling be an excuse for sin.  All that you're feeling is valid, but not to let yourself willfully yield to sin.'  But what does that look like, God?  How do I distinguish my anger from sin?  I really want to understand this because I truly do want to be above reproach right now.  Is calling him a bastard sin?  Was emailing the woman sin?  Is not telling my parents sin?  How can I distinguish?  Maybe he's thinking less in regards to my actions and words and more about sinning in my thought life.  Like I can't read blogs or twitter/FB etc. because I'm just angry at everyone.  Their lives go on while mine has stopped.  They can post trivial stupid little updates; all I have is heaviness of heart.  I turned to them as a means to just check out, not think about this whole mess right now.  Which I should have known would be futile.  When I read the blog about the mom who was tired because she's going through a trying time of discipline with her one son, I wanted to tell her to shut up and deal.  Forgetting that that used to be a trying time for me too.  When I read about the friend, freshly engaged and gaga over her fiancé-- I want to say, "good for you, enjoy it while it lasts because it will probably end in a C.D. about making a great soundtrack with some other woman."  Forgetting that I was her 8.5yrs ago.  Or when the friend posts about having the "worst night of her life" because her dog died.  And I want to say, "Get over it.  Try having your husband use, steal from, and betray you.  Maybe that would feel like the worst night of your life."  But, this is wrong.  These thoughts, they are sin.  Help me to gain control of my thought life.  Let me only think, say and do that which will bring You glory and honor.  I'm cutting out the temptation to even sin in my thoughts by not going to blogs or social media websites right now.  Right my heart, God.  Help me to remember this is my battle and those people are friends, not enemies."

Please pray for me sisters.  Pray for protection against the temptation to sin in any way.

The Healing Balm of Truth

Wounds are no fun.  Is that like the understatement of the year (it very well could be since we are only 7 days in!!! hahaha!)?  But truly, a wound, an injury is something that we dread.  And emotional wounds are just as painful as the physical.  I have many physical scars.  One on my knee from when I fell in my driveway running as a little girl.  I remember it hurt like the dickens.  It bled and bled.  It throbbed.  I went into my house and my dad cleaned my bleeding wound.  He was tender and compassionate with me.  He wanted to hear how it happened and listened to me go on and on about how much it hurt.  He washed it out.  He dabbed at it with a clean cloth.  He dried it, gently put neosporin on it and placed a secure bandage over it.  It began to heal quickly as my body provided a natural bandage.   However, because of where it was on my knee, if I bent my knee too quickly, it would pull open.  The pain was sharp and it would bleed again.  I would have to go through the cleansing and healing process of applying balm and a bandage.  In my childishness, sometimes I became bored and would pick at the scab.  You can imagine that again, the wound would be painful and bleed.  Again, the balm, the bandage.  Until finally, one day, it was healed.  No more scab.  However, there remained a big scar.  It was visible and every time I looked at it, I remember how I got it.  I remembered the pain, but I also rested peacefully in the healing.  

As you can imagine, the emotional wound of my husbands affair played out similarly.  The healing balm?  The Bible.  God's tender and gentle words.  God was my Daddy, who carried me after I fell down, who though already knowing what happened, listened to my tearful explanation of how my marriage fell down, and how my heart got ripped wide open, and how badly it hurt.  God cleaned my bleeding wound, He washed it with His Word.  He dabbed at it with the promise of Redemption and with the understanding of what it was like to be betrayed.  He dried my tears and covered my heart with the healing balm of Truth, of worship music, and supportive friends and family.

But there were times, as described below, when it would tear open.  It is a scar now.  A scar that I count as lovely.  A scar that I would never remove, because it continually reminds me of the Gospel and of my desperate need of it.

September 5, 2011 from my journal:

Jesus, good morning!  I need to praise You, Father, for the good work You are doing around and in me.  Each day that goes by the wound of C’s affair heals a little more.  But like all physical wounds, there are times where I twist too sharp, a memory, a question, something pulls the wound open again.  And it bleeds, it festers, until I put the healing balm of Your truth on it.  And there are times where I chose to pick at it, to open it up to bleed again.  And again, it doesn’t begin to heal up until I put Your healing balm on it.  I know God, this wound will heal.  I also know that it will scar.  Be a big scar.  A reminder of this pain.  But, like any physical scar, though I see it, and remember how I got it; it will no longer hurt.  And I praise You, Healer, great Physician, for caring ever so tenderly for my wound.  With any other doctor, this would be a fatal wound, but not with You.