Deceived

My husband was deceived.  In the midst of his sin, in the midst of his relationship with this other woman, he was constantly battling insecurities.  Even though it made his flesh feel good to be desired by another woman and it stroked his pride, there was a greater battle going on in his heart.  He was deceived into believing that Jesus wasn't enough, that having a loving wife and 3 great kids wasn't enough.  He needed more confirmation that he was a man, he needed more stroking of his pride, he needed other people to tell him how great he was.  It wasn't good enough to hear it from God or from me.  Because of his insecurity, he went to the bar.  He tried to be the life of the party, the funny guy.  He gave the image of being confidant and cocky and happy.  It was all a facade though.  It was just a mask.

During the time of this journal entry, my husband and I were separated.  In different cities.  On this evening, he called to share more about their relationship.  He was trying so hard to remember every single detail.  To share ever single aspect with me.  Honestly, it was the only way I could even begin to soften towards him.  As much as it hurt to hear about even the smallest details of their relationship, it told me that he was willing to be totally and completely transparent.  It told me that he had no more secrets.  And I needed complete truth.  Again, it was raining.  I sat outside in my car for privacy as we talked.  It was a gentle rain.  Then, he shared more details about that C.D. He made a C.D. for this woman when he broke it off with her.  The bulk of their relationship happened in a bar and they spend a lot of time intimately dancing with each other.  He kept track of the songs they danced to, and without knowing it, I sat on the couch helping him make a C.D. full of "their" songs for her.  I helped him make it for her, without knowing.  The betrayal was devastating.  As I found out about the thing he wrote to her on the C.D. I lost it emotionally.  Punching the steering wheel and screaming my hate for him, it began to rain harder and harder.  As I unleashed my anger and my hurt on him in screams, the Lord made it thunder.  It thundered and the fury in the sky matched the fury in my heart.  As I emotionally spent myself screaming at him through the phone,  I eventually calmed and became quiet...and so did the sky.

August 30^th from my journal:

Wow, God.  Just wow.  Yesterday was a good day; until he called to tell me more about the C.D. he made for her.  He told me that on the last song, he wrote to her, “When we danced to this song, it was one of the most tender and beautiful dances I’ve ever had.”  And that right there hurts the most.  More than porn, strippers, kissing, hand holding.  That emotional part.  Giving her his heart.  Giving her himself.  That hurts the most.  And as much as I want to hold onto that anger and not believe truth---I can’t.  Because Your truth speaks greater volumes to me than the whispered lies of Satan.  I’m beginning to realize that Satan always whispers to me.  He whispers the lies.  You speak loudly; even sometimes thunder Your truth in my ear.  And the truth that I’m hearing now is this:  my heart is just as evil as my husbands.  I’m angry because he gave his heart to that woman.  But all You desire from me is my heart.  And I give it to other things.  Even other people.  You want my affections to be all for You.  But I give them to money, status, body image, and praise from others, food, fantasies of another life, and so much more.  And You say to me, “Daughter, I just wanted you to love Me the way you love those things.  I wanted Your heart, but in your selfish desires, in your sin, you gave your heart away to things that don’t deserve it.”  And my husband did the same with another woman.  I am no better, no cleaner, and no more desperate for the Cross and Your redemption then he is.  Help me Jesus to forgive him for giving his heart to another woman, as you have forgiven me.  I am a whore too.  Don’t let me forget this truth.  Scream out Your truth, Lord.  Drowned out the enemies whispers.  Help me to remember that I cannot expect perfection or innocence from my broken husband.  He was deceived.  He believed the lies.  The lies that he wasn’t good enough.  That he wasn’t a man.  The lie that You weren’t and aren’t enough.  He was deceived.  Help him to believe the truth every moment of every day that You love him.  And help me to remember as well.

I’m beginning to understand this mercy, God.  This severe mercy.  Our marriage would never be restored had he not been fully broken.  Recognized his desperation for the Cross.  For truth.  And me too.  Equal to his need for You.  Equally desperate for You.  Help me to forgive.  To really engage.  To not rush this process.  Protect me from Satan’s lies.  Protect my husband too.  I recognize you want this marriage to be sanctified by Your blood.  Restored by Your grace.  And Satan realizes that too.  And he is a destroyer.