September 28th
Good morning girls. Thought I'd
give you all a quick update. Overall, this last week or so has been good.
C and I have had to have a few hard discussions (a necessary result
of God continuing to draw out sin and roots of sin in our individual lives and
marriage) and though no one likes those hard discussions while in them...I'm so
thankful to be really talking to him. But like I said, overall things
have been good. I've really actually been enjoying the time I've spent with C. I look forward to it. I feel encouraged
by him and by his heart to really pursue God and better love and pursue me as a
result. I've told a few of you gals this, but I feel like I finally have
the husband I've always knew was in C. I am however continuing to go
slowly....spending time daily in prayer. One of the
most pivotal things that God has taught me through this whole thing
is that I can love C, I can enjoy my time with him. I can look
forward to spending time with him. But he is not a replacement for God.
Only the Lord can fully satisfy me. C is just a perk. A
great perk. I had an encouraging time praying and reading the Word this
morning.
From my journal:
-Thank You, Jesus, for
waking me early this morning! I need You. There is no substitution
for you, I need You daily. You refresh me more than sleep.
It's so interesting to
me, how it can seem like C and I are doing so well, then a bomb gets
dropped on us. K's best friend called C yesterday. K just
now read my Facebook email and she is freaked out and paranoid that I'm going
to call her names or out her affair with C on her Facebook page. I would never
do either of those things, but I understand her fear....hell hath no
fury like that of a woman scorned and she's afraid I'm going to be nasty.
She wonders why C regrets the C.D. he made her. She wonders why he so quickly cut things off with her and confessed to me.
C told K's friend that she and K should both come clean to their
husbands. That he intends to tell G (K's husband) someday and seek
his forgiveness. This of course totally freaked her out. Lord,
I genuinely don't want their marriage to fail. I pray God that
You would make Yourself very real, personal and full of love for both K's and
their husbands. I pray that their marriages could be restored too.
I do not wish evil or harm for these women or their lives. Continue
to give me a heart like Yours, Jesus. I'm hurt by that woman, by her
actions---but as is true with C, I am a sinner just as she is. She
needs You. She needs Your redemption and You want her for Your daughter.
I do pray, that C would not have any other conversations with anyone
involved in this w/out my being present. There is a bit of me that still
has a hard time trusting C. Indeed, You've done a mighty
work in us and I pray for complete restoration---but I still don't really trust
him, and I desire to be present when those kinds of interactions happen. I
know it's hard for C to not have my trust, but I also know and am
thankful that he understands and is willing to wait patiently for me.
C is moving full
speed ahead (not in an aggressive or pushy way, he's just excited) with our
relationship, but I find myself moving much slower. I am anxious, but I am hopeful. I just need to go slowly. I hope and pray this isn't
a discouragement to C. Jesus, continue to grow our
marriage, not for my comfort, but for Your glory. Your gospel. Just
because thing are "better" between C and I, doesn't mean I'm not
still desperate to hang onto You. I don't want to build another alter, I
don't want to make C and my marriage an idol. Help me to love
C fiercely and enjoy my marriage, but not love him
more fiercely then I love You. Because I love you, Jesus.
I am nothing without You. You are the one carrying and supporting
and healing me. Not C. He is following behind. He is
obeying Your commands and doing what he can to assist You--- but You are the
one carrying me. Thank You for never putting me down in this war, or for letting this wounded soldier go. Thank you for speaking truth and comfort in my ear.
1 Thes. 5:13-18 ...Be at peace
among yourselves. And we urge you brothers, admonish the idle, encourage
the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no
one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and
to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all
circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
I've struggled in my
heart recently with anger towards and hurt from my sisters
and brothers and the lack of pursuit from them towards either C or I. But Your Word instructs me to be at peace. That I need not
worry about being admonished, encouraged, helped by others. But that I
need to admonish, encourage, help, and be patient with others regardless.
Jesus, help my heart to not seek or hope for evil towards K. But
let me seek to do good by praying for her. I rejoice, Lord, in this severe
mercy. Let my every breath be a prayer to You. Thank You for Your will
for me. For C. For our marriage.
So that's where I'm at
this morning. Thank you for praying for me, sisters. I love you
all.
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