September 2, 2011 from my journal:
I don’t like this day very much. I really just feel sad today. Quiet.
Kind of scared and for sure feeling stressed. Jesus, I need You to carry me today. I was starting to believe that maybe I could
limp along on my own a little bit, but I can’t.
I can’t at all.
I’m wrestling with fear and worry
today. C seemed to choose to go to “affair
land” aka Disneyland because he wasn’t happy in our marriage. He needed to vacation from me. Well, his life really sucks now. He’s under house arrest, he has a wife who’s
a wreck. We’re trying to find a place to
live. He’s having to confess over and
over to people. We have to go to counseling. If he was unhappy, stressed and needing a
vacation to “affair land” where he could dance and drink and kiss his worries
away, how much more is he going to want to escape now? I know, I know, God. Trust You. Trust You. I’m just so scared. I feel so helpless. My life is a nightmare. Carry me, Jesus, carry me.
I feel like retreating. I feel smothered. I’m so tired of having to “fill” people
in. Tired of touching base. I just want to be alone. I don’t’ want sympathy. I’m tired of being
looked at like, poor little R. I
just want You, Jesus. I want to retreat,
to close off from everyone else.
