The days in Estes were hard. In my little cabin sanctuary, I was able to begin processing. I spent a lot of time writing in my journal and trying to read my bible. I drove down the mountain one of the days and met with S and K. It was good to talk through some hard realities with them. What if he didn't fully repent? What if I couldn't bring myself to forgive him? Is God still good despite that? And it was odd, because in August, we don't typically get a lot of rain. But as we sat there under the umbrella's of a Starbucks, tears slowly rolled down my face and tears slowly rolled down from the sky. I remember apologizing to S and K that it was raining (as if I could help it!) and S said to me, "I think that God is simply crying with you." And for some reason, that resonated deeply in my soul. I needed to know that I had a God who saw my hurt. Who was hurt for me. Who shed tears over adultery. And it helped me to understand God better too, because after all, as a sinner, I had over and over been and adulterer to God. How many times had I "cheated" on God with this world? Yet, He still wept for my hurt. I got to Estes on a Thursday and he came up to hash some things out with me Saturday. I remember my brother-in-law telling me I didn't have to let him come up. I didn't have to talk with him unless I was ready. As nervous as I was, I needed to talk. I need some questions answered. It was hard. He got there and he was quiet, ready and willing to let me talk, and set the stage for the day. He was tender and cautious with me. At this point, I wasn't totally sure of his repentance. By the end of the night, though I was still angry, hurt, betrayed, and not ready to forgive, I knew he was genuinely repentant. He didn't want me to spend another night alone and so when he and I were finished talking, he called my dear in-laws. How hard that must have been to call his parents and tell them that he needed them to come and support me. So they drove a couple of hours, not knowing what they were walking into in my little cabin. But come they did, and confess again he did. An email I sent to a couple of trusted friends:
August 28th
I wanted you gals to be in the loop
about this. I don't know what you are going to think about my actions.
maybe you won't believe me, but I really prayed about whether I should do
this or not before I did...and I felt peaceful in doing it. I don't hate
this woman. I don't like her, but for some reason I don't hate her.
I just wanted her to understand the full effect of her choice; I think C let her off the hook to lightly. Anyway, I’ve also prayed since sending
it and I continue to feel peace about it. I (as below) let C know
about it, and he called to tell me he thought it was fine. His only
hesitancy was in protecting her husband (which feels to me like protecting her)
because she lied to her husband and did not tell him the whole thing. she
only told her husband that she and C were mutual friends via another woman
and that they had chatted that night about his doing some work on her
camper.
I’m open to your
thoughts if you so choose.
C,
maybe
I should have told you first, but honestly I’m not sure it matters. Since
we are practicing complete and total openness, I wanted you to be in the know
that I sent K an email via Facebook message. this is what it said:
K,
C told me
everything. All that I have to say to you, is take a good look at my profile
picture. Look at my face. The faces of my children. Take a good look at what
you have destroyed. what you and my husband have destroyed. I want you to look at us
and remember our faces. I want them to be burned in your memory so that if you
ever consider having an affair with another woman's husband you can remember
us, and hopefully make a different choice in the future. Do not every call or
contact my husband again. Destroy the cd he gave you, he fully regrets it. I
also want you to know, that I cannot right now, pray for you. I cannot right
now, but someday I will. Because Christ asks that much of me. That I would pray
for my enemies. it is by the Cross that I have salvation and redemption, and I
will one day pray the same for you. Like I said, do not ever contact my husband
again. Feel free to reply to me on your own timing if you so choose.
R (C’s crushed, destroyed and betrayed wife)
I know, C that you
said that you didn't want to tell her much about us because you didn't want her
to have any of us. But you gave her us when you gave yourself to her.
I emailed her not out of spite...though it might seem that way. I
tried to be gentle and straight forward. I think she needed to see us. Mostly because like I said to her, I wanted our faces to
be ingrained into her mind so that she is not party (I say party in
that she is not the only one to blame, you are too) to destroying
some else's marriage again. Also, if I’m being totally honest, I
wanted her to feel bad. I wanted her to feel remorse for what she did. Not remorse for herself, but for the people she hurt.
Feel free to share
your thoughts with me on this. I don't intend to anger you. I just
needed to do this. And, one day, I will pray for her.
Another email to my trusted friends on the same day:
August 28th
Just though I’d check in with you girls
before I left for my in-laws in the morning (obviously, I’ll be checking in then
too).
C left Estes Park
last night after his parents got there and they wanted to
just gauge how I was doing so they and I chatted til about 1:30am.
They are incredible and I am so thankful to have them. I guess I
should go back a little bit though:
Yesterday he got
there around 12 and I basically told him to just sit down, and that I would be
running the show. He totally agreed and was just quiet until I was ready
to start talking. I read through my journals aloud to him. At one
point he was just sort of hunched over crying while listening. I know it
really hurt him to hear what I had written, but I think it was really good for
him. After I finished reading, I asked him if there was any more that he
needed to tell me. He confessed that there were 3 kisses that night (2
initiated by her, 1 by him). and I said, ok...what else? it took a
little time, but there were other things confessed (there had been two other
women at bars who he claims kissed him,
there were a few strip clubs, there is an addiction to porn…)
The day was such a
rollercoaster. There were moments where I felt so calm and almost
peaceful in his presence...then there were other moments that I was just
completely out of control and out of my mind angry at him (like the time I
threw my shoe because it was the nearest thing to me, and when I totally lost
it and wailed on him with my fist). He apologized right off the bat for
the way he talked to me about being treated like a man vs. a boy and that he
was willing and glad to go under house arrest, be totally accountable for where
he is at all times (which is actually hard to do given his business is a mobile
business) but the truth is, I see his paycheck and there is no doubt in my mind
that he has been working his ass off. I feel genuine repentance from him.
I kept asking him....really? How long will you last with me because
I am not going to be able to move quickly through this? how long until
you get tired of being accountable, until you get tired of being under house
arrest, until you just get tired of me. Obviously his words have little
weight with me these days, but he reassured me over and over that he would
never give up on me. that he realized how hopeless he was without me,
etc. There was obviously SO MUCH more going on in the conversation. So much shared about how he recognized that he just wanted to glorify
himself. He just wanted to keep "playing" at Disneyland (J likened it to Disneyland, terming it Affairland). It's really painful for me to recount, actually. And when I think
of hearing him confess those things, how he thought about me and the
consequences while he was seeing her, but that he just wanted to satisfy his
own desires, it makes my stomach turn. And it makes me want to scream and
punch him all over again.
I am sure you are
going to get tired of hearing me say it, but this is so hard. Harder than
I ever imagined it could be. So much of me wants restoration for us. For us to be like T and J, like M and J...but I am just so
scared of what if it doesn't happen. How do I forgive him? How?!?!?! How can I someday let him kiss me without thinking about
him kissing her? He gave so much of himself to her (it was a much deeper
emotional affair then I first realized) and I just feel so cheated and used. Stolen from. But I cannot fathom my life without him. He is
my husband. My one flesh partner. I cannot let that go. And I
know he is desperate to hold onto it.
Uugghh. Anyway,
it's been odd being at my mom and dads. I am SO thankful that I am leaving
tomorrow, because it is HARD, so hard to pretend that everything is ok. And I just imagine them scrutinizing my every move, my every word. I
just have to be in a place that I don't have to hide this. I need to be
able to grab my journal at any moment and write, pray process. And I
can't do that here. I feel like I’ve spent an acceptable amount of time
sitting in front of the TV with Mom and Dad that they won't be suspicious if I
go to my room now and pray.
I’m a wreck, as you
know. but I’m so thankful to have the kids back. They bring such
delight and refreshment to my soul. I had a moment when I picked the
girls up from H’s house where I nearly lost it with A. I told her we
were leaving and she threw the mightiest, ugliest, most horrible screaming
kicking fit I’ve ever seen or experienced with my kids. I had to
literally unwind and pry her fingers from clinging the chair and put her in a
straight jacket of my arms to get her outside to the car. She wouldn't
look me in the eyes and every time I asked her to calm down she just screamed
at me all the louder and fiercer. I had to force her back into the seat
with my forearm and make her seatbelt way too tight to keep her from trying to
tear herself out of it....all the while she is yelling at me: "I don't
want you! I don't want you! Don't take me, don't take me!" and
clawing at my arms with her fingernails. It was the most heartbreaking
thing. A close second to C confessing to me his adultery. And I
hate to confess that I wanted to yell at her, and tell her to just shut up! But by God's grace I remained calm. I just put my face right in
front of hers and I said calmly but firmly: "A, I love you! I
love you. I love you. I love you. I don't care how loud or how long you
scream at me, I love you. I will never stop loving you, I will never
leave you. I will never not be your mommy. I love you." And that right there, that is one of the reasons I hate him so much
right now. She wasn't screaming those things at him, but at me. And
it's because of him. Eventually as I continued to tell her I love her
over and over she broke. She looked me in the eye. She calmed. She has yet to tell me she loves me. I’m not going to force
her, but I will go through that with her every day to reassure her of my
love. Of my faithfulness to her. And it's just striking me that
this is probably a picture of what God is taking me through right now. Only I’m A. I am A and God is me. I’m screaming at God, clawing at His arms,
telling Him I don’t want Him, I don’t want to go where He is taking me, and he
is holding me down, saying over and over---I love you. I love you. I love
you. My love for you won’t change no
matter how long or how loud you scream at me. I love you.
Ok. I’m gonna
close now. I’m exhausted. S, thank you thank you thank you for loving
me, my kids and my bastard of a husband so well. K, thank you for
being a voice of reason and calm.
I love you both so
much, you are so dear and necessary to me. Thank you for going through the long haul of this
disgusting mess with me.
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