I am a sinner just the same

October 4, 2011 from my journal:
I pray for wisdom through Your Word this morning.  Your Word nourishes me.

2 Peter 1:4By which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

My mind initially thinks of Your grace in my escaping the corruption of the world because of C or K’s sinful desire.  Which is valid and true, You’ve carried me to safety, to healing.  But I must not fool myself into thinking that my own sinful desire isn’t mingled in there as well.  I have been betrayed by the man I love.  I have been wounded deeply.  But I am a sinner just the same.  It is my own sin that Your mercy is saving me from.  Don’t let me forget.  I am desperate for You.  So needy.  And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

In the midst of pain and a wounded heart, it was easy to read the Bible and only apply it to C as the sinner.   But that is a dirty, dirty lie.  How easy it is for us humans to look at other's failures, other's sins, other's foolish choices and thank that we are better than them.  Well, let me just give you the truth here.  We aren't.  We are just as guilty.  We are just as deserving of Hell.  We are all hypocrites.  It's just that not all of us have our sins, our bad choices, our hypocrisy exposed to the world. We read articles of people in the lime light, Christian or not, who have affairs.  Who hide emails.  Who look at porn.  Who do this or that ugly thing.  And then we think to ourselves, "Phew.  I'm not that bad." or "Geeze, thankfully no one get's to look at the websites I've been browsing."  "Man, good thing no one can read my mind."  Don't just so quickly the sins of others.  Pull the log from your own eye first.  Confess your weakness first.  Seek Jesus first.  Confess your hidden sins, first.  I am as guilty.  So are you.  Even if you don't want to admit it. 

You are not a good person, K.

After I emailed K, her husband G, called my husband C.  Can you believe that?  G wanted to hear from C's mouth the story of their affair.  G wanted to see if what C said lined up with what K said.  Some things didn't and I am sure that was pretty hard on G.  Months and months later, I would realize how hard that was on him.   

My response to K’s email:

Sep 30

K, I have to confess, I was shocked to even hear from you.  Also, I have to confess, I am shocked that my heart is as soft towards you as it is.  But that is the work of the Lord...and time.  I've had 5 weeks to wrestle with every possible emotion and when I think of G having to go through this right now, it brings me to tears.  Because I know how he is feeling.  I all too well understand his anger.  His hurt.  I think he handled his conversation with C like a man, with a lot of self-control.  G is where I was when I sent you the very first email in August.  So please don't think that I don't fully and all too completely understand how fresh G's wounds are.  But I hope that you can see (and G too) that there is hope.
I thank you for offering your apology to me.  I forgive you, Kim.  I really do.  I could not choose to offer forgiveness to my husband and yet withhold it from you.  So I do.  I forgive you from my heart.  
One thing I wanted to touch on from your response was this:  You are not a good person.  I am not a good person.  Neither is C or G.  We are all sinners who make foolish choices.  All destine for Hell.  It is because we are not good, because we are all sinners that Christ died on the Cross.  You chose sin.  C chose sin.  I choose it.  There is no gradient scale for sin.  God does not see me any better than He sees you.  Praise Him!  But please don't fool yourself into thinking that you, or any of us are "good people".  Because that would be a disgrace to the sacrifice that Jesus (the only good and perfect person) gave for us.  If we are good, then His sacrifice was for nothing.  His sacrifice was for EVERYTHING.   Everyone.
Like I said in my last email, C wasn't totally honest with me in the beginning either.  He was (not on purpose either) forgetting details.  But as he remembered, as the days went on, or as my questions stirred his memory, he shared honestly with me.  Because he knew it was better to share openly NOW, rather than have anything come up later on and attempt to destroy our marriage again.  I know it's hard and scary.  But being on the victim's side (like G) I can honestly say I wanted to know everything.  I didn't want anything hidden from me anymore.  I'd been deceived for far too long.  So I'm glad that you feel like last night you finally got it all out.  Keep going.
Find the roots, K, to why you made the choices you did.  I'm not pointing my finger at you right now, I just want you try and draw out some of the deep rooted issues as to why you acted in the way that you did.  C and I have been through the ringer of the "whys" on his end of the affair.  What are your insecurities?  We've all got them.  What is lacking in your marriage that made you turn to another man?  Get yourself and your marriage into counseling.  And not with your pastor, because quite honestly it sounds like he's pretty deceived in the biblical way to handle this situation.  But really, I just want you to figure out who you are.  So that you don't have to continue to live in the traps of insecurity.  And shame.  Let go of that.  Jesus died on the Cross to forgive your affair.  C's affair. (I don't ever want you to think that I believe him any less guilty then you).  Let Jesus forgive you and tenderly minister to you soul.  Cling to Him, K.  It is the only way that you will be able to live.  The only way your marriage will be able to survive this.  You and G cannot fix this.  Only God can.  And He want's too.
Again, you are welcome to respond if you'd like.  But just know, as you are, I'm praying.  Constantly in prayer, K.

Oh. My. Goodness. She emailed me back.

I opened my email a day later and my jaw dropped to the floor.  She emailed me back.  Hear pounding, lungs struggling to function, I read her email.

A response from K:

Sep 30

Hi R,
Thank you for your email.  I am so sorry for all of the pain that I have caused everyone involved.  My heart is heavy knowing what I have done.  Please know that I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused your family.
Please keep in mind that my husband’s wounds are very fresh.  He just heard the entire story.  He is angry, and is blaming everyone (including me).  Because he knows this is so out of character for me, I think he is trying to see what made me act in the poor way that I did. 
About a year ago, we were at church, and there was a sermon on rebuilding marriages.  Our pastor spoke about a couple he was counseling and the man had had an affair.  He wanted to tell his wife everything.  However, our pastor said that telling her all of the details would only cause immense pain to his wife.  It would make him feel better, but it would cause unnecessary pain for her.  When I had to make a decision on what to tell G, I kept hearing our pastor’s voice in my head.  I wanted to protect him from pain.
However, as time went on, I started to doubt my choice.  I didn’t know what was the best thing to do for G, our marriage.  I decided to tell him the details.  Without meaning to, I did leave the nitty gritty details out.  I guess I was still trying to protect him.  I am now trying to tell him every detail I can remember.  My mind is such a mess right now that I am not thinking straight.  I am forgetting some things.  Not on purpose, but just the same.  I honestly feel that after last night I have told G everything and cleared up any misconceptions he had due to details I had accidentally left out.
Please know that I am praying for the healing and rebuilding of all involved.  I truly am not a bad person.  I have just made some really, really bad choices lately.  I pray for forgiveness and healing for all involved constantly.
K

Did you catch that?  What her pastor told her?  That is NOT ok.  Never, never never is it ok to hide our sin from our spouse.  Nothing could ever be more damaging.  Bad advice.  Very very bad.  I had to respond again.  Had to.

The hardest email I have ever written

K (the woman C had and affair with) had her best friend call C (she had her friend call because I had asked her in my Facebook email to never contact C again....apparently she thought having her friend call was the solution to my request.)  Anyway, after he and her friend talked on the phone, I couldn't get certain thoughts to stop floating around in my head.  Things I wanted, things I needed to say to her.  So, I asked C to give me her email address and then, without knowing what the outcome might be, I emailed the woman who had an affair with my husband.  I had to, because she had just told her husband the truth (well, some of it) and I was completely heartbroken for him.  I felt like I had to speak out to her, for him  The strength, the bravery to do it, it all came from Jesus.

An email from me to K, the woman C had an affair with:

Sep 29

Hi K.

First of all, I wanted to tell you that you need not fear my being nasty to you in any way.  I don't have any intentions of causing you hurt or harm.  Second, I wanted to tell you that I'm really glad you chose to tell G about your and C's affair.  Call it what you want (I'm not sure how you view it) it was adultery.  And I understand what G is going through right now.  I understand how crushed he feels right now.  I understand how deceived.  How angry.  How hurt he is.  I was there 5 weeks ago.  And I have really crappy days still.  You and C caused a lot of destruction with your selfishness.  I'm not sending you this email to try and make you feel worse for your actions.  I'm sending you this email to try and help you understand what G is going through right now.  And to ask something of you.  Be honest with him.  Totally honest.  Don't hold back any information.  Not even the smallest detail.  Don't try and down play your actions in this affair.  You and C were both willing parties, and are thus equally guilty.  Don't make it seem like C was hunting you down when all you wanted to do was cut things off (*this was a lie she admitted to telling her husband to try and make it easier on him).  You know that's not true.  For the sake of your marriage, and to give God the opportunity to restore your relationship you must be honest.  If G is ever going to be able to work through this hurt, if he is ever going to be able to truly forgive you; it has to start with complete and total honesty.  When C first told me about the affair, he wasn't fully honest.  Because he was afraid of hurting me more.  He wanted to protect me from more pain.  And I'm sure you feel the same.  You recognize that you have wrecked your husband.  You don't want to cause him more hurt.  But, what is more hurtful than telling him the whole truth (every single nitty gritty detail as many times as he needs to hear it) is you keeping the truth from him and then having to drag it all out months or years down the road and have this nasty wound torn open again.

K, I am a survivor of betrayal.  My marriage will be a survivor of adultery.  Not because I have an incredible capacity to forgive.  Not because C was brutally honest with every detail and wholly repentant for his actions.  But because God wants restoration for our marriages.  I have never understood or grasped the Gospel so well as I do now.  Marriage truly is a picture of the Gospel.  Jesus was betrayed by the ones He loved.  G and I were betrayed by the ones we loved.  Jesus was able to forgive, and by asking for a heart like Jesus, he has given me the capacity to forgive.  Not just C, but you too.  Here's why:  

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant

 ²¹Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" ²²Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.^[g]

 ²³"Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.^[h] 24When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.^[I] 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. ²⁶So the servant^[j] fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' ²⁷And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. ²⁸But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii,^[k] and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' ²⁹So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' ³⁰He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. ³¹When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. ³²Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. ³³ And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' ³⁴ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,^[l] until he should pay all his debt. ³⁵ So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."

I am praying that one day G will be able to grasp this truth.  That we have been forgiven much, and God is clear that we must forgive those who have hurt us.  And I pray this not for your sake, but for G's sake.  That he can one day be released of the weight of unforgivness.  
I know you are not a child, and don't need to be spoken to like one.  I am so glad that you choose to reveal your sin to your husband, because this is the starting line to the long race to restore your marriage.  God wants redemption for your marriage.  For you.  It's the reason He sacrificed His Son.  So that we can be redeemed.  
All this to say, please, choose to keep nothing from G.  C told me every single heartbreaking detail.  And as excruciating as that was, it was the only way I was able to even begin to move towards forgiveness for him.  Because I knew he was willing to risk everything, sacrifice our marriage, our family, our future for the sake of honoring God.  He knew that we could never have a real marriage, a great and enjoyable marriage if there was anything still hanging out under the surface.  He wasn't absolving his guilt by telling me.  He was finally choosing selflessness.  He had been choosing to be selfish by having an affair with you for too long.  He sacrificed himself for the sake of truth.  And now, our marriage is better for it.  It will continue to grow and see redemption.  And I believe the same is possible for your marriage.  
G is crushed.  He doesn't trust you.  He won't until you choose to be totally honest with him.  Don't push him.  Don't beg him for forgiveness.  Just tell him the truth and pray for your husband.  And like I told you I would in my first email, I am praying for you.  God says I need to.  So I am.  I don't want your marriage to be destroyed.  I am praying that you will recognize the full weight of your sin.  That you will feel the sting, the painful consequence so that you are able to fully turn from it and repent of it.  I am praying that Greg will be able to move towards forgiving you.  I am praying for your daughters.  I'm not on your side.  I'm not on Greg's side.  I'm on the side of God and on the side of your marriage.

I know this is all strange and unfamiliar territory for all of us, but you are welcome to respond to me if you so choose on your own timing.  

A phone call that rattled

September 28^th

Good morning girls.  Thought I'd give you all a quick update.  Overall, this last week or so has been good.  C and I have had to have a few hard discussions (a necessary result of God continuing to draw out sin and roots of sin in our individual lives and marriage) and though no one likes those hard discussions while in them...I'm so thankful to be really talking to him.  But like I said, overall things have been good.  I've really actually been enjoying the time I've spent with C.  I look forward to it.  I feel encouraged by him and by his heart to really pursue God and better love and pursue me as a result.  I've told a few of you gals this, but I feel like I finally have the husband I've always knew was in C.  I am however continuing to go slowly....spending time daily in prayer.  One of the most pivotal things that God has taught me through this whole thing is that I can love C,  I can enjoy my time with him.  I can look forward to spending time with him. But he is not a replacement for God.  Only the Lord can fully satisfy me.  C is just a perk.  A great perk.  I had an encouraging time praying and reading the Word this morning.  

From my journal:

-Thank You, Jesus, for waking me early this morning!  I need You.  There is no substitution for you, I need You daily.  You refresh me more than sleep.

It's so interesting to me, how it can seem like C and I are doing so well, then a bomb gets dropped on us.  K's best friend called C yesterday.  K just now read my Facebook email and she is freaked out and paranoid that I'm going to call her names or out her affair with C on her Facebook page.  I would never do either of those things, but I understand her fear....hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned and she's afraid I'm going to be nasty.  She wonders why C regrets the C.D. he made her.  She wonders why he so quickly cut things off with her and confessed to me.  C told K's friend that she and K should both come clean to their husbands.  That he intends to tell G (K's husband) someday and seek his forgiveness.  This of course totally freaked her out.  Lord, I genuinely don't want their marriage to fail.  I pray God that You would make Yourself very real, personal and full of love for both K's and their husbands.  I pray that their marriages could be restored too.  I do not wish evil or harm for these women or their lives.  Continue to give me a heart like Yours, Jesus.  I'm hurt by that woman, by her actions---but as is true with C, I am a sinner just as she is.  She needs You.  She needs Your redemption and You want her for Your daughter.  I do pray, that C would not have any other conversations with anyone involved in this w/out my being present.  There is a bit of me that still has a hard time trusting C.  Indeed, You've done a mighty work in us and I pray for complete restoration---but I still don't really trust him, and I desire to be present when those kinds of interactions happen.  I know it's hard for C to not have my trust, but I also know and am thankful that he understands and is willing to wait patiently for me.  

C is moving full speed ahead (not in an aggressive or pushy way, he's just excited) with our relationship, but I find myself moving much slower.  I am anxious, but I am hopeful.  I just need to go slowly.  I hope and pray this isn't a discouragement to C.  Jesus, continue to grow our marriage, not for my comfort, but for Your glory.  Your gospel.  Just because thing are "better" between C and I, doesn't mean I'm not still desperate to hang onto You.  I don't want to build another alter, I don't want to make C and my marriage an idol.  Help me to love C fiercely and enjoy my marriage, but not love him more fiercely then I love You.  Because I love you, Jesus.  I am nothing without You.  You are the one carrying and supporting and healing me.  Not C.  He is following behind.  He is obeying Your commands and doing what he can to assist You--- but You are the one carrying me.  Thank You for never putting me down in this war, or for letting this wounded soldier go.  Thank you for speaking truth and comfort in my ear.  

1 Thes. 5:13-18  ...Be at peace among yourselves.  And we urge you brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.  See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.  Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I've struggled in my heart recently with anger towards and hurt from my sisters and brothers and the lack of pursuit from them towards either C or I.  But Your Word instructs me to be at peace.  That I need not worry about being admonished, encouraged, helped by others.  But that I need to admonish, encourage, help, and be patient with others regardless.  Jesus, help my heart to not seek or hope for evil towards K.  But let me seek to do good by praying for her. I rejoice, Lord, in this severe mercy.  Let my every breath be a prayer to You. Thank You for Your will for me.  For C.  For our marriage.

So that's where I'm at this morning.  Thank you for praying for me, sisters.  I love you all.

In this you rejoice...

September 13^th

hey ladies.  tonight C sent me a text that said: 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I went into my room and read it, and God tenderly lead me through a treasure trove of  scripture for my heart tonight.  I’ll share my journaling with you:

Your Word, Lord, it's like manna from heaven, feeding my starving soul.

1 Peter:1:6-7: In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Jesus, my entire being cries out to You that the tested genuineness of my faith -- in this trial of C's affair, and the trials of life to come -- that it may be found to result in praise and glory and honor of You.  Never before this whole thing have I truly grasped the mightiness, the gloriousness of Your Gospel.  Lord, let nothing else ever matter more to me.

1 Peter 4:1-2, 12-13: Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourself with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.  12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

Lord, I want this experience to change everything about me.  every relationship around me.  I want to live no longer for human passions, worshiping my husband, my marriage, my image, money, my kids, my title as a mom -- I don't want to live for those things anymore.  but I want to live for the will of God.  Your will, Your passions.  I rejoice at this fiery trial, insofar as I’m sharing in your sufferings.  You were betrayed by the one's You loved...and You loved them still.  Help me to still love C.  You suffered, You suffered every time we give our hearts to something/someone other than You, when our hearts are supposed to belong to You.  C gave his heart to another woman.  But I will rejoice Jesus, when Your glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:19: Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

I will continue on, living for You.  Though I suffer according to Your will, I will entrust my soul to You, my faithful Creator.  And I will keep doing good-- sharing the good news and truth of Your perfect and glorious sacrifice.  What's done is done, and the past is behind me.  I can't change what happened, but I have a choice in how I am going to live in the future.

And it is the promise at the end of these next verses that will spur me on, to keep going, to endure with joy.

1 Peter 5:6-11: Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful.  Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen.

I humble myself, Father, wholly and completely under your mighty hand.  I care not to be exalted myself, I only want to exalt You!  You care for me, You know my anxieties-- and You take them, relieve me of them with Your perfect truth and love.  I know that the devil is seeking to destroy me, my marriage-- the picture of Your Gospel.  But he will not devour me.  Or my marriage.  You are mightier than he.  I am in the midst of Your healing,  I know that You are restoring me, confirming, strengthening and establishing me.  No matter the future I am Yours.  I am Your bride.  Mighty God, to you be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen

This has been a good couple of half hours.  Praise God for His Word.  His truth.  His might.

The Gospel came in POWER

I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was just 10 years old.  I was invited to AWANAS by a friend and it was there that a woman spoke into my life about who Jesus was and what it meant to "accept Him".  I remember laying in my bed at a little 10 year old and asking Jesus to come into my heart.  Shortly after that, the family that loved on my and showed me Christ, and shared His gift with me moved away...and so did my general direction regarding the Lord.  It wasn't until I was 18 year old that I began walking with the Lord again, and it wasn't until I was 28 years old and my husband had confessed adultery to me that I truly understood the Gospel. 

September 21, 2011 from my journal:

I’m having a rough day, Lord.  I know You know, but I woke up feeling angry.  Defeated.  I feel angry at You, God.  I feel angry that C had an affair.  I feel angry that we sold our house.  I feel angry that I have to drive back and forth from my parents.  I feel angry that I’m a single mom right now.  I feel angry and frustrated.  I know that this is not a good place for my heart to be.  But I’m not so foolish as to believe that I’m not going to have days like this.  I’m thankful that You are big enough to stand my anger.  I’m thankful that I have the hope of knowing I’m not going to stay mad.  I feel frustrated that no one is checking in on C and I.  That I have to be the one to pursue still.  I feel angry that no one even responds to my emails.  I know that others have their own things going on, but I just feel a little…ignored?

September 26, 2011 from my journal:

I realize more daily how thankful I am to go through this trial.  I rejoice in this  severe mercy.  One, because I finally have the husband I’d always longed for, but most importantly, because I’ve realized I’ve always had the husband I longed for…You.  You have my heart completely.  I have amazing days with C right now.  You’ve truly worked a miracle in our marriage.  And the thing that I love the most about my amazing days with him?  That I still long for time with You.  I desire You more.  My earthly husband cannot satisfy me fully.  You can, and You do.  Thank you for carrying me through this war.  Thank You for healing my wound, for giving me medication through Your Word.  Thank You for restoring my marriage and giving me back my husband.  And thank you for restoring myself back to You.  Thank you for the Gospel. Thank You for helping me to understand it better than I ever could before this severe mercy. 

1 Thessalonians 1:4-10

For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen You, because our Gospel came to you not only in word, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction…you became imitators of us and of the LORD, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, so that you became an example to all the believers…For not only has the word of the LORD sounded forth from you, but your faith in God has gone forth everywhere, so that we need not say anything…and how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, Jesus, who delivers us from the wrath to come.

I don’t know that I was “chosen” by You, but I know that I am loved by You.  And I know that the Gospel came to me not only in Your Word, but in power to restore my marriage.  I receive Your Word in much affliction with the joy of the Holy Spirit.  I want to be an example to all believers, not to boast about myself, but to boast about You and Your mightiness.  I will continue to turn from idols.  Dig them up out of me, Jesus.  I want to serve You, the Living and True God.