Confession

It was the day after our eighth wedding anniversary.  We sat in the same Jeep that we brought all three of our babies home in.  We sat in that Jeep and a chasm opened up between us.  We sat in that Jeep and I felt my heart ripped from my chest.  All it took was 5 words to crush my world.  "I've been seeing another woman." he said.

August 25^th from my journal:

Oh God.  Last night, he told me he’s been seeing another woman.  Oh God.  How is this possible?  Somehow, I knew, I feel like I’ve known.  Ever since that night he told me about meeting those women dancing, the red flags have been up.  That stupid bastard.  How could he do this to me?  I feel physically ill just thinking about it.  I want the world to just stop.  But it can’t.  I want to punch him in the face.  How do you handle this?  I don’t know how.  I don’t know how to respond to him.  I don’t know what to say.  I just want to crawl in bed and cry.  But I can’t.  I have to keep moving because I don’t have a choice. 

I prayed faithfully for him.  I tried to love him as best that I could.  I did everything to make him feel like a man and he threw that in my face.  I don’t know how to trust him.  How will we get through his?  How on earth can our marriage be restored, because right now, I cannot fathom it.  Right now, I hate him so much.  I have never felt this crushed in my life.  I feel like someone died.  My marriage is dead.  A part of me has died. And it truly will be a miracle of Jesus to bring it back to life.

I think the thing my heart is struggling with the most right now is the deceit.  That he was with that woman, touching her, holding her, kissing her---then coming home to me and doing the same thing.  How often was he thinking about her?  How often after having sex with me, did he lay there thinking about her, wondering what it would be like to have sex with her?

Later that day:

I’m in Estes Park.  I needed to be alone.  I couldn't let the kids see me like this and I couldn't pretend that everything is fine with my parents.  It’s insane, God, the roller coaster of emotions I’m going through.  One moment the thought of him makes my stomach turn.  The next moment I’m desperate to protect him.  My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest and my stomach is in knots.  I can’t slow myself down.  This is so surreal.  He broke a promise.  A million promises.  How can this be restored?  How will we ever be ok?  I just don’t know how to trust him.  And all for his pride.  He told me she made him feel desirable.  How then did I make him feel? 

I never thought this would be my reality.  I've lived in fear of this my whole marriage.  But he always promised me he wouldn't.  He always promised.

Please don’t let him think this is no big deal.  I know he doesn't think that right now, but as time goes by and the adrenalin wears off—don’t let him lose sight of the gravity of this.  But let him finally act as a real man and do what he needs to come before You—to receive Your grace.  Jesus, as heartbroken as I am this is why you died on the Cross.  This is why you gave Your life.  Don’t let me forget that.  My sin—every lie I've ever told, every lustful thought, every gluttonous bite, every time I've yelled at my kids--- it is equal in Your sight to what he’s done.  His sin is paid for and he is washed white every bit that I am. 

I am such a roller coaster.  Earlier I felt softened towards him, remembering the truth of Your Gospel.  Now, I just want him to suffer like I am.  I want to scream at him, be angry and not forgive.  I want to hurt him.  I want him to really see how he has broken my heart.  I don’t want him to feel comforted by my love or Your grace.  I want to scream at him—“If she flattered you, if she made you feel good then go to her!  Leave me and the kids because clearly we are worthless to you.  Clearly we really mean nothing to you.  You fuck.  You stupid asshole of a boy.  I cannot believe you when you say I am priceless to you.  When you say I mean everything to you.  You are a selfish liar.  Go glorify yourself with feeling wanted by her.  Because you've made me feel more unwanted then I've ever felt in my life.”

It feels like the world should stop moving, but it can’t.

Suddenly, Lord, I am paralyzed by this fear; he says “it wasn't your fault.  You loved me so well.” And yet, he chose to pursue another woman.  He chose to kiss her because he was afraid he might upset her.  Did he think that kissing her might be the slightest bit upsetting to me?  Did he care?  Apparently not.  So, OK, I was doing everything right when he cheated on me, well, I’m a total wreck now and I don’t know when I’ll be better.  I don’t know that I can love him now, so now what will he do?  If he cheated on me then, when I could be a good wife, what will stop him now?  I mean how many times has he sworn off drinking, only to go back?  Smoking only to go back? Porn, only to go back?  What will stop him now?  Why should this be any different to him?  He can promise me all he wants, swear up and down, but how can I believe him?  He broke the biggest promise, the covenant of our marriage vows.  He pissed on them.  Why would the future be different?  God, this marriage—what’s left of it, can only be redeemed by your grace.  And I can only move towards forgiveness by Your hand.  This has to be You.  There is nothing left of me.  The rest of my heart was left sitting in my High School parking lot where he confessed.  Who am I now?  Who are we?  And what will You do with what’s left?