My little cabin sanctuary

I fled the day after his confession.  I left my 3 kids with 2 trusted friend. I rented a cabin in Estes Park for 3 days.  I needed my own private sanctuary where I could crumble on the floor in tears, scream, and stare blankly at a wall unable to formulate a clear thought. 

After a restless sleep, I woke up the following morning and drove down to town.  I walked along the river and felt obligated to choke down some food.  Who has an appetite the day after you found out your husband of 8 years had a girlfriend on the side?

There were warning signs.  Though we were both Christians, we both loved the Lord, there were problems in our marriage.  Why don't Christians talk about the hard stuff in our marriages?  Why must I be left feeling embarrassed, unsure, and unable to tell someone that I was afraid of who my husband was becoming? Throughout our marriage,  I had suspected his addictive tendencies.  Smoking off and on.  Confessing at various time in our relationship a struggle with looking at porn.  Not being able to stop at just 2 beers, but rather, drinking 6 in one sitting.  And he tried to ask for help.  He shared his struggles with other believers, other Brothers.  Yet, it was never taken seriously.

If he was never taken seriously, how then could I tell someone?  I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone that he was at the bar a minimum of 3 times a week.  That he wouldn't come home until 3 am several nights a week.  He was a Small Group leader.  He wrote his own blog spurring men on to love the Lord more, to be real men.  How could I tell anyone my, sometimes debilitating, fear that my marriage was going to begin crumbling under our feet?  

We need to listen to each other.  We need to be safe to one another.  If someone comes to us and tells us their marriage is hard.  Listen.  Love.  Don't judge.  Don't think yourself any better.  You may never know the pain and fear they are stuffing down.

August 26, 2011 from my journal:

Lord, I know that the only thing that I can do right now to soften my heart towards him is to pray for him.  But God, what does praying do?  I've filled pages and pages and hours and hours praying for my husband of 8 years.  Praying specifically against this very thing.  And a lot of good it’s seemed to do.  I just feel so wounded.  So deceived.

I know it’s wrong, but part of me is finding great delight in his “supposed” missing me so much right now.  He makes it seem like this is torture to him right now.  But he’s proven to be a convincing liar.  How will I ever overcome this?  It seems too big, God.  It seems too big.

Jesus, I am thankful to have gotten to talk with J this morning.  It was reassuring to hear that it’s ok for me to feel mad.  That I don’t need to protect him, that he needs to feel the full consequences of his sin and really see what he’s done to me.  Thank You for giving J the analogy of two soldiers going through war together.  This is a war and You are my faithful partner.  You won’t leave me behind even though I’m wounded.  I know you will carry me as far as we need to go so that I can receive healing and care.  Thank You, Jesus. 

Later that day:

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not going to feel ok right away.  That this is truly going to take time, and that is ok.  It can’t magically be fixed overnight.  I don’t know how I will feel when I see him.  I know I don’t want him to touch me.  I might hit him if he does. How can you restore this, God? 

Why did I pray for him, God?  Why did my prayers go unheard?  I’m sure truth is that they didn't, but that’s what I feel.

Where can I turn in Your Word?  I just don’t know where to read.  But I’m desperate for Your truth.  For Your comfort.

Psalm 118:6-8

The LORD is on my side; I will not fear.  What can man do to me?  The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.  It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.

You God, you are on my side.  I believe You in that.  You will walk me through this.  I cannot trust him right now---but You say it’s better to trust in You.  Be my refuge.

When I read this next passage, it was as if You replaced my name with Israel. It is this hope that I will cling to:

Psalm 130: 3-8

If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, O LORD, who could stand?  But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.  I wait for the LORD, you soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the LORD more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.  O Israel, hope in the LORD! For with the LORD there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.  And he will redeem Israel from all his inequities.

In You, O LORD, in You is plentiful redemption.  I don’t know how, but Your Word is true.  I think like J said, I can only take it one day, one half hour at a time, because otherwise it seems just too overwhelming.  Too hopeless.

I feel completely helpless.  Who’s fighting for me, God?  Who’s fighting for me?  I had a husband who I though did.  Who I though always would.  Now, I have a man who has crushed me.  Completely and totally wrecked me.  He is a whore.  A selfish bastard.