Deceived

My husband was deceived.  In the midst of his sin, in the midst of his relationship with this other woman, he was constantly battling insecurities.  Even though it made his flesh feel good to be desired by another woman and it stroked his pride, there was a greater battle going on in his heart.  He was deceived into believing that Jesus wasn't enough, that having a loving wife and 3 great kids wasn't enough.  He needed more confirmation that he was a man, he needed more stroking of his pride, he needed other people to tell him how great he was.  It wasn't good enough to hear it from God or from me.  Because of his insecurity, he went to the bar.  He tried to be the life of the party, the funny guy.  He gave the image of being confidant and cocky and happy.  It was all a facade though.  It was just a mask.

During the time of this journal entry, my husband and I were separated.  In different cities.  On this evening, he called to share more about their relationship.  He was trying so hard to remember every single detail.  To share ever single aspect with me.  Honestly, it was the only way I could even begin to soften towards him.  As much as it hurt to hear about even the smallest details of their relationship, it told me that he was willing to be totally and completely transparent.  It told me that he had no more secrets.  And I needed complete truth.  Again, it was raining.  I sat outside in my car for privacy as we talked.  It was a gentle rain.  Then, he shared more details about that C.D. He made a C.D. for this woman when he broke it off with her.  The bulk of their relationship happened in a bar and they spend a lot of time intimately dancing with each other.  He kept track of the songs they danced to, and without knowing it, I sat on the couch helping him make a C.D. full of "their" songs for her.  I helped him make it for her, without knowing.  The betrayal was devastating.  As I found out about the thing he wrote to her on the C.D. I lost it emotionally.  Punching the steering wheel and screaming my hate for him, it began to rain harder and harder.  As I unleashed my anger and my hurt on him in screams, the Lord made it thunder.  It thundered and the fury in the sky matched the fury in my heart.  As I emotionally spent myself screaming at him through the phone,  I eventually calmed and became quiet...and so did the sky.

August 30^th from my journal:

Wow, God.  Just wow.  Yesterday was a good day; until he called to tell me more about the C.D. he made for her.  He told me that on the last song, he wrote to her, “When we danced to this song, it was one of the most tender and beautiful dances I’ve ever had.”  And that right there hurts the most.  More than porn, strippers, kissing, hand holding.  That emotional part.  Giving her his heart.  Giving her himself.  That hurts the most.  And as much as I want to hold onto that anger and not believe truth---I can’t.  Because Your truth speaks greater volumes to me than the whispered lies of Satan.  I’m beginning to realize that Satan always whispers to me.  He whispers the lies.  You speak loudly; even sometimes thunder Your truth in my ear.  And the truth that I’m hearing now is this:  my heart is just as evil as my husbands.  I’m angry because he gave his heart to that woman.  But all You desire from me is my heart.  And I give it to other things.  Even other people.  You want my affections to be all for You.  But I give them to money, status, body image, and praise from others, food, fantasies of another life, and so much more.  And You say to me, “Daughter, I just wanted you to love Me the way you love those things.  I wanted Your heart, but in your selfish desires, in your sin, you gave your heart away to things that don’t deserve it.”  And my husband did the same with another woman.  I am no better, no cleaner, and no more desperate for the Cross and Your redemption then he is.  Help me Jesus to forgive him for giving his heart to another woman, as you have forgiven me.  I am a whore too.  Don’t let me forget this truth.  Scream out Your truth, Lord.  Drowned out the enemies whispers.  Help me to remember that I cannot expect perfection or innocence from my broken husband.  He was deceived.  He believed the lies.  The lies that he wasn’t good enough.  That he wasn’t a man.  The lie that You weren’t and aren’t enough.  He was deceived.  Help him to believe the truth every moment of every day that You love him.  And help me to remember as well.

I’m beginning to understand this mercy, God.  This severe mercy.  Our marriage would never be restored had he not been fully broken.  Recognized his desperation for the Cross.  For truth.  And me too.  Equal to his need for You.  Equally desperate for You.  Help me to forgive.  To really engage.  To not rush this process.  Protect me from Satan’s lies.  Protect my husband too.  I recognize you want this marriage to be sanctified by Your blood.  Restored by Your grace.  And Satan realizes that too.  And he is a destroyer.

Hashing it out

The days in Estes were hard.  In my little cabin sanctuary, I was able to begin processing.  I spent a lot of time writing in my journal and trying to read my bible.  I drove down the mountain one of the days and met with S and K.    It was good to talk through some hard realities with them.  What if he didn't fully repent?  What if I couldn't bring myself to forgive him?  Is God still good despite that?  And it was odd, because in August, we don't typically get a lot of rain.  But as we sat there under the umbrella's of a Starbucks, tears slowly rolled down my face and tears slowly rolled down from the sky.  I remember apologizing to S and K that it was raining (as if I could help it!) and S said to me, "I think that God is simply crying with you."  And for some reason, that resonated deeply in my soul.  I needed to know that I had a God who saw my hurt.  Who was hurt for me.  Who shed tears over adultery.  And it helped me to understand God better too, because after all, as a sinner, I had over and over been and adulterer to God.  How many times had I "cheated" on God with this world?  Yet, He still wept for my hurt.  I got to Estes on a Thursday and he came up to hash some things out with me Saturday.  I remember my brother-in-law telling me I didn't have to let him come up.  I didn't have to talk with him unless I was ready.  As nervous as I was, I needed to talk.  I need some questions answered.  It was hard.  He got there and he was quiet, ready and willing to let me talk, and set the stage for the day.  He was tender and cautious with me.  At this point, I wasn't totally sure of his repentance.  By the end of the night, though I was still angry, hurt, betrayed, and not ready to forgive, I knew he was genuinely repentant.  He didn't want me to spend another night alone and so when he and I were finished talking, he called my dear in-laws.  How hard that must have been to call his parents and tell them that he needed them to come and support me.  So they drove a couple of hours, not knowing what they were walking into in my little cabin.  But come they did, and confess again he did.   An email I sent to a couple of trusted friends:

August 28^th

I wanted you gals to be in the loop about this.  I don't know what you are going to think about my actions.  maybe you won't believe me, but I really prayed about whether I should do this or not before I did...and I felt peaceful in doing it.  I don't hate this woman.  I don't like her, but for some reason I don't hate her.  I just wanted her to understand the full effect of her choice; I think C let her off the hook to lightly.  Anyway, I’ve also prayed since sending it and I continue to feel peace about it.  I (as below) let C know about it, and he called to tell me he thought it was fine.  His only hesitancy was in protecting her husband (which feels to me like protecting her) because she lied to her husband and did not tell him the whole thing.  she only told her husband that she and C were mutual friends via another woman and that they had chatted that night about his doing some work on her camper.  

I’m open to your thoughts if you so choose.

C,

maybe I should have told you first, but honestly I’m not sure it matters.  Since we are practicing complete and total openness, I wanted you to be in the know that I sent K an email via Facebook message.  this is what it said:

K,

C told me everything. All that I have to say to you, is take a good look at my profile picture. Look at my face. The faces of my children. Take a good look at what you have destroyed. what you and my husband have destroyed. I want you to look at us and remember our faces. I want them to be burned in your memory so that if you ever consider having an affair with another woman's husband you can remember us, and hopefully make a different choice in the future. Do not every call or contact my husband again. Destroy the cd he gave you, he fully regrets it. I also want you to know, that I cannot right now, pray for you. I cannot right now, but someday I will. Because Christ asks that much of me. That I would pray for my enemies. it is by the Cross that I have salvation and redemption, and I will one day pray the same for you. Like I said, do not ever contact my husband again. Feel free to reply to me on your own timing if you so choose.

R (C’s crushed, destroyed and betrayed wife)

I know, C that you said that you didn't want to tell her much about us because you didn't want her to have any of us.  But you gave her us when you gave yourself to her.  I emailed her not out of spite...though it might seem that way.  I tried to be gentle and straight forward.  I think she needed to see us.  Mostly because like I said to her, I wanted our faces to be ingrained into her mind so that she is not party (I say party in that she is not the only one to blame, you are too) to destroying some else's marriage again.  Also, if I’m being totally honest, I wanted her to feel bad.  I wanted her to feel remorse for what she did.  Not remorse for herself, but for the people she hurt.

Feel free to share your thoughts with me on this.  I don't intend to anger you.  I just needed to do this.  And, one day, I will pray for her.

Another email to my trusted friends on the same day:

August 28^th

Just though I’d check in with you girls before I left for my in-laws in the morning (obviously, I’ll be checking in then too).

C left Estes Park last night after his parents got there and they wanted to just gauge how I was doing so they and I chatted til about 1:30am.  They are incredible and I am so thankful to have them.  I guess I should go back a little bit though:

Yesterday he got there around 12 and I basically told him to just sit down, and that I would be running the show.  He totally agreed and was just quiet until I was ready to start talking.  I read through my journals aloud to him.  At one point he was just sort of hunched over crying while listening.  I know it really hurt him to hear what I had written, but I think it was really good for him.  After I finished reading, I asked him if there was any more that he needed to tell me.  He confessed that there were 3 kisses that night (2 initiated by her, 1 by him).  and I said, ok...what else?  it took a little time, but there were other things confessed (there had been two other women at bars who he claims kissed him, there were a few strip clubs, there is an addiction to porn…)

The day was such a rollercoaster.  There were moments where I felt so calm and almost peaceful in his presence...then there were other moments that I was just completely out of control and out of my mind angry at him (like the time I threw my shoe because it was the nearest thing to me, and when I totally lost it and wailed on him with my fist).  He apologized right off the bat for the way he talked to me about being treated like a man vs. a boy and that he was willing and glad to go under house arrest, be totally accountable for where he is at all times (which is actually hard to do given his business is a mobile business) but the truth is, I see his paycheck and there is no doubt in my mind that he has been working his ass off.  I feel genuine repentance from him.  I kept asking him....really?  How long will you last with me because I am not going to be able to move quickly through this?  how long until you get tired of being accountable, until you get tired of being under house arrest, until you just get tired of me.  Obviously his words have little weight with me these days, but he reassured me over and over that he would never give up on me.  that he realized how hopeless he was without me, etc.  There was obviously SO MUCH more going on in the conversation.  So much shared about how he recognized that he just wanted to glorify himself.  He just wanted to keep "playing" at Disneyland (J likened it to Disneyland, terming it Affairland).  It's really painful for me to recount, actually.  And when I think of hearing him confess those things, how he thought about me and the consequences while he was seeing her, but that he just wanted to satisfy his own desires, it makes my stomach turn.  And it makes me want to scream and punch him all over again.

I am sure you are going to get tired of hearing me say it, but this is so hard.  Harder than I ever imagined it could be.  So much of me wants restoration for us.  For us to be like T and J, like M and J...but I am just so scared of what if it doesn't happen.  How do I forgive him?  How?!?!?!  How can I someday let him kiss me without thinking about him kissing her?  He gave so much of himself to her (it was a much deeper emotional affair then I first realized) and I just feel so cheated and used.  Stolen from.  But I cannot fathom my life without him.  He is my husband.  My one flesh partner.  I cannot let that go.  And I know he is desperate to hold onto it.

Uugghh.  Anyway, it's been odd being at my mom and dads.  I am SO thankful that I am leaving tomorrow, because it is HARD, so hard to pretend that everything is ok.  And I just imagine them scrutinizing my every move, my every word.  I just have to be in a place that I don't have to hide this.  I need to be able to grab my journal at any moment and write, pray process.  And I can't do that here.  I feel like I’ve spent an acceptable amount of time sitting in front of the TV with Mom and Dad that they won't be suspicious if I go to my room now and pray.

I’m a wreck, as you know.  but I’m so thankful to have the kids back.  They bring such delight and refreshment to my soul.  I had a moment when I picked the girls up from H’s house where I nearly lost it with A.  I told her we were leaving and she threw the mightiest, ugliest, most horrible screaming kicking fit I’ve ever seen or experienced with my kids.  I had to literally unwind and pry her fingers from clinging the chair and put her in a straight jacket of my arms to get her outside to the car.  She wouldn't look me in the eyes and every time I asked her to calm down she just screamed at me all the louder and fiercer.  I had to force her back into the seat with my forearm and make her seatbelt way too tight to keep her from trying to tear herself out of it....all the while she is yelling at me: "I don't want you!  I don't want you! Don't take me, don't take me!" and clawing at my arms with her fingernails.  It was the most heartbreaking thing.  A close second to C confessing to me his adultery.  And I hate to confess that I wanted to yell at her, and tell her to just shut up!  But by God's grace I remained calm.  I just put my face right in front of hers and I said calmly but firmly: "A, I love you!  I love you. I love you. I love you.  I don't care how loud or how long you scream at me, I love you.  I will never stop loving you, I will never leave you.  I will never not be your mommy.  I love you."  And that right there, that is one of the reasons I hate him so much right now.  She wasn't screaming those things at him, but at me.  And it's because of him.  Eventually as I continued to tell her I love her over and over she broke.  She looked me in the eye.  She calmed.  She has yet to tell me she loves me. I’m not going to force her,  but I will go through that with her every day to reassure her of my love.  Of my faithfulness to her.  And it's just striking me that this is probably a picture of what God is taking me through right now.  Only I’m A.  I am A and God is me.  I’m screaming at God, clawing at His arms, telling Him I don’t want Him, I don’t want to go where He is taking me, and he is holding me down, saying over and over---I love you. I love you. I love you.  My love for you won’t change no matter how long or how loud you scream at me. I love you.

Ok.  I’m gonna close now. I’m exhausted.  S, thank you thank you thank you for loving me, my kids and my bastard of a husband so well.  K, thank you for being a voice of reason and calm.

I love you both so much, you are so dear and necessary to me.  Thank you for going through the long haul of this disgusting mess with me.

My little cabin sanctuary

I fled the day after his confession.  I left my 3 kids with 2 trusted friend. I rented a cabin in Estes Park for 3 days.  I needed my own private sanctuary where I could crumble on the floor in tears, scream, and stare blankly at a wall unable to formulate a clear thought. 

After a restless sleep, I woke up the following morning and drove down to town.  I walked along the river and felt obligated to choke down some food.  Who has an appetite the day after you found out your husband of 8 years had a girlfriend on the side?

There were warning signs.  Though we were both Christians, we both loved the Lord, there were problems in our marriage.  Why don't Christians talk about the hard stuff in our marriages?  Why must I be left feeling embarrassed, unsure, and unable to tell someone that I was afraid of who my husband was becoming? Throughout our marriage,  I had suspected his addictive tendencies.  Smoking off and on.  Confessing at various time in our relationship a struggle with looking at porn.  Not being able to stop at just 2 beers, but rather, drinking 6 in one sitting.  And he tried to ask for help.  He shared his struggles with other believers, other Brothers.  Yet, it was never taken seriously.

If he was never taken seriously, how then could I tell someone?  I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone that he was at the bar a minimum of 3 times a week.  That he wouldn't come home until 3 am several nights a week.  He was a Small Group leader.  He wrote his own blog spurring men on to love the Lord more, to be real men.  How could I tell anyone my, sometimes debilitating, fear that my marriage was going to begin crumbling under our feet?  

We need to listen to each other.  We need to be safe to one another.  If someone comes to us and tells us their marriage is hard.  Listen.  Love.  Don't judge.  Don't think yourself any better.  You may never know the pain and fear they are stuffing down.

August 26, 2011 from my journal:

Lord, I know that the only thing that I can do right now to soften my heart towards him is to pray for him.  But God, what does praying do?  I've filled pages and pages and hours and hours praying for my husband of 8 years.  Praying specifically against this very thing.  And a lot of good it’s seemed to do.  I just feel so wounded.  So deceived.

I know it’s wrong, but part of me is finding great delight in his “supposed” missing me so much right now.  He makes it seem like this is torture to him right now.  But he’s proven to be a convincing liar.  How will I ever overcome this?  It seems too big, God.  It seems too big.

Jesus, I am thankful to have gotten to talk with J this morning.  It was reassuring to hear that it’s ok for me to feel mad.  That I don’t need to protect him, that he needs to feel the full consequences of his sin and really see what he’s done to me.  Thank You for giving J the analogy of two soldiers going through war together.  This is a war and You are my faithful partner.  You won’t leave me behind even though I’m wounded.  I know you will carry me as far as we need to go so that I can receive healing and care.  Thank You, Jesus. 

Later that day:

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not going to feel ok right away.  That this is truly going to take time, and that is ok.  It can’t magically be fixed overnight.  I don’t know how I will feel when I see him.  I know I don’t want him to touch me.  I might hit him if he does. How can you restore this, God? 

Why did I pray for him, God?  Why did my prayers go unheard?  I’m sure truth is that they didn't, but that’s what I feel.

Where can I turn in Your Word?  I just don’t know where to read.  But I’m desperate for Your truth.  For Your comfort.

Psalm 118:6-8

The LORD is on my side; I will not fear.  What can man do to me?  The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.  It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.

You God, you are on my side.  I believe You in that.  You will walk me through this.  I cannot trust him right now---but You say it’s better to trust in You.  Be my refuge.

When I read this next passage, it was as if You replaced my name with Israel. It is this hope that I will cling to:

Psalm 130: 3-8

If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, O LORD, who could stand?  But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.  I wait for the LORD, you soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the LORD more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.  O Israel, hope in the LORD! For with the LORD there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.  And he will redeem Israel from all his inequities.

In You, O LORD, in You is plentiful redemption.  I don’t know how, but Your Word is true.  I think like J said, I can only take it one day, one half hour at a time, because otherwise it seems just too overwhelming.  Too hopeless.

I feel completely helpless.  Who’s fighting for me, God?  Who’s fighting for me?  I had a husband who I though did.  Who I though always would.  Now, I have a man who has crushed me.  Completely and totally wrecked me.  He is a whore.  A selfish bastard.

Confession

It was the day after our eighth wedding anniversary.  We sat in the same Jeep that we brought all three of our babies home in.  We sat in that Jeep and a chasm opened up between us.  We sat in that Jeep and I felt my heart ripped from my chest.  All it took was 5 words to crush my world.  "I've been seeing another woman." he said.

August 25^th from my journal:

Oh God.  Last night, he told me he’s been seeing another woman.  Oh God.  How is this possible?  Somehow, I knew, I feel like I’ve known.  Ever since that night he told me about meeting those women dancing, the red flags have been up.  That stupid bastard.  How could he do this to me?  I feel physically ill just thinking about it.  I want the world to just stop.  But it can’t.  I want to punch him in the face.  How do you handle this?  I don’t know how.  I don’t know how to respond to him.  I don’t know what to say.  I just want to crawl in bed and cry.  But I can’t.  I have to keep moving because I don’t have a choice. 

I prayed faithfully for him.  I tried to love him as best that I could.  I did everything to make him feel like a man and he threw that in my face.  I don’t know how to trust him.  How will we get through his?  How on earth can our marriage be restored, because right now, I cannot fathom it.  Right now, I hate him so much.  I have never felt this crushed in my life.  I feel like someone died.  My marriage is dead.  A part of me has died. And it truly will be a miracle of Jesus to bring it back to life.

I think the thing my heart is struggling with the most right now is the deceit.  That he was with that woman, touching her, holding her, kissing her---then coming home to me and doing the same thing.  How often was he thinking about her?  How often after having sex with me, did he lay there thinking about her, wondering what it would be like to have sex with her?

Later that day:

I’m in Estes Park.  I needed to be alone.  I couldn't let the kids see me like this and I couldn't pretend that everything is fine with my parents.  It’s insane, God, the roller coaster of emotions I’m going through.  One moment the thought of him makes my stomach turn.  The next moment I’m desperate to protect him.  My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest and my stomach is in knots.  I can’t slow myself down.  This is so surreal.  He broke a promise.  A million promises.  How can this be restored?  How will we ever be ok?  I just don’t know how to trust him.  And all for his pride.  He told me she made him feel desirable.  How then did I make him feel? 

I never thought this would be my reality.  I've lived in fear of this my whole marriage.  But he always promised me he wouldn't.  He always promised.

Please don’t let him think this is no big deal.  I know he doesn't think that right now, but as time goes by and the adrenalin wears off—don’t let him lose sight of the gravity of this.  But let him finally act as a real man and do what he needs to come before You—to receive Your grace.  Jesus, as heartbroken as I am this is why you died on the Cross.  This is why you gave Your life.  Don’t let me forget that.  My sin—every lie I've ever told, every lustful thought, every gluttonous bite, every time I've yelled at my kids--- it is equal in Your sight to what he’s done.  His sin is paid for and he is washed white every bit that I am. 

I am such a roller coaster.  Earlier I felt softened towards him, remembering the truth of Your Gospel.  Now, I just want him to suffer like I am.  I want to scream at him, be angry and not forgive.  I want to hurt him.  I want him to really see how he has broken my heart.  I don’t want him to feel comforted by my love or Your grace.  I want to scream at him—“If she flattered you, if she made you feel good then go to her!  Leave me and the kids because clearly we are worthless to you.  Clearly we really mean nothing to you.  You fuck.  You stupid asshole of a boy.  I cannot believe you when you say I am priceless to you.  When you say I mean everything to you.  You are a selfish liar.  Go glorify yourself with feeling wanted by her.  Because you've made me feel more unwanted then I've ever felt in my life.”

It feels like the world should stop moving, but it can’t.

Suddenly, Lord, I am paralyzed by this fear; he says “it wasn't your fault.  You loved me so well.” And yet, he chose to pursue another woman.  He chose to kiss her because he was afraid he might upset her.  Did he think that kissing her might be the slightest bit upsetting to me?  Did he care?  Apparently not.  So, OK, I was doing everything right when he cheated on me, well, I’m a total wreck now and I don’t know when I’ll be better.  I don’t know that I can love him now, so now what will he do?  If he cheated on me then, when I could be a good wife, what will stop him now?  I mean how many times has he sworn off drinking, only to go back?  Smoking only to go back? Porn, only to go back?  What will stop him now?  Why should this be any different to him?  He can promise me all he wants, swear up and down, but how can I believe him?  He broke the biggest promise, the covenant of our marriage vows.  He pissed on them.  Why would the future be different?  God, this marriage—what’s left of it, can only be redeemed by your grace.  And I can only move towards forgiveness by Your hand.  This has to be You.  There is nothing left of me.  The rest of my heart was left sitting in my High School parking lot where he confessed.  Who am I now?  Who are we?  And what will You do with what’s left?