K (the woman C had and affair with) had her best friend call C (she had her friend call because I had asked her in my Facebook email to never contact C again....apparently she thought having her friend call was the solution to my request.) Anyway, after he and her friend talked on the phone, I couldn't get certain thoughts to stop floating around in my head. Things I wanted, things I needed to say to her. So, I asked C to give me her email address and then, without knowing what the outcome might be, I emailed the woman who had an affair with my husband. I had to, because she had just told her husband the truth (well, some of it) and I was completely heartbroken for him. I felt like I had to speak out to her, for him The strength, the bravery to do it, it all came from Jesus.
An email from me to K, the woman C had an affair with:
|
Sep 29 |
Hi K.
First of all, I wanted to tell you
that you need not fear my being nasty to you in any way. I don't have any
intentions of causing you hurt or harm. Second, I wanted to tell you that
I'm really glad you chose to tell G about your and C's affair. Call
it what you want (I'm not sure how you view it) it was adultery. And I
understand what G is going through right now. I understand how crushed
he feels right now. I understand how deceived. How angry. How
hurt he is. I was there 5 weeks ago. And I have really crappy days
still. You and C caused a lot of destruction with your selfishness.
I'm not sending you this email to try and make you feel worse for your
actions. I'm sending you this email to try and help you understand what
G is going through right now. And to ask something of you. Be
honest with him. Totally honest. Don't hold back any information.
Not even the smallest detail. Don't try and down play your actions
in this affair. You and C were both willing parties, and are thus
equally guilty. Don't make it seem like C was hunting you down when
all you wanted to do was cut things off (*this was a lie she admitted to telling her husband to try and make it easier on him). You know that's not true.
For the sake of your marriage, and to give God the opportunity to restore
your relationship you must be honest. If G is ever going to be able to
work through this hurt, if he is ever going to be able to truly forgive you; it
has to start with complete and total honesty. When C first told me
about the affair, he wasn't fully honest. Because he was afraid of
hurting me more. He wanted to protect me from more pain. And I'm
sure you feel the same. You recognize that you have wrecked your husband.
You don't want to cause him more hurt. But, what is more hurtful
than telling him the whole truth (every single nitty gritty detail as many
times as he needs to hear it) is you keeping the truth from him and then having
to drag it all out months or years down the road and have this nasty wound torn
open again.
K, I am a survivor of betrayal. My
marriage will be a survivor of adultery. Not because I have an incredible
capacity to forgive. Not because C was brutally honest with every
detail and wholly repentant for his actions. But because God wants restoration
for our marriages. I have never understood or grasped the Gospel so well
as I do now. Marriage truly is a picture of the Gospel. Jesus was
betrayed by the ones He loved. G and I were betrayed by the ones we
loved. Jesus was able to forgive, and by asking for a heart like Jesus,
he has given me the capacity to forgive. Not just C, but you too.
Here's why:
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
21Then
Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin
against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" 22Jesus
said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times
seven.[g]
23"Therefore
the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle
accounts with his servants.[h] 24When
he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand
talents.[I] 25 And since he could
not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife
and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26So
the servant[j] fell
on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you
everything.' 27And out of pity for him, the master of
that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28But
when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed
him a hundred denarii,[k] and
seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' 29So
his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and
I will pay you.' 30He refused and went and put him in
prison until he should pay the debt. 31When his fellow
servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went
and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32Then
his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all
that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And
should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on
you?' 34 And in anger his master delivered him to
the jailers,[l] until
he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly
Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your
brother from your heart."I am praying that one day G will be able to grasp this truth. That we have been forgiven much, and God is clear that we must forgive those who have hurt us. And I pray this not for your sake, but for G's sake. That he can one day be released of the weight of unforgivness.
I know you are not a child, and don't need to be spoken to like one. I am so glad that you choose to reveal your sin to your husband, because this is the starting line to the long race to restore your marriage. God wants redemption for your marriage. For you. It's the reason He sacrificed His Son. So that we can be redeemed.
All this to say, please, choose to keep nothing from G. C told me every single heartbreaking detail. And as excruciating as that was, it was the only way I was able to even begin to move towards forgiveness for him. Because I knew he was willing to risk everything, sacrifice our marriage, our family, our future for the sake of honoring God. He knew that we could never have a real marriage, a great and enjoyable marriage if there was anything still hanging out under the surface. He wasn't absolving his guilt by telling me. He was finally choosing selflessness. He had been choosing to be selfish by having an affair with you for too long. He sacrificed himself for the sake of truth. And now, our marriage is better for it. It will continue to grow and see redemption. And I believe the same is possible for your marriage.
G is crushed. He doesn't trust you. He won't until you choose to be totally honest with him. Don't push him. Don't beg him for forgiveness. Just tell him the truth and pray for your husband. And like I told you I would in my first email, I am praying for you. God says I need to. So I am. I don't want your marriage to be destroyed. I am praying that you will recognize the full weight of your sin. That you will feel the sting, the painful consequence so that you are able to fully turn from it and repent of it. I am praying that Greg will be able to move towards forgiving you. I am praying for your daughters. I'm not on your side. I'm not on Greg's side. I'm on the side of God and on the side of your marriage.
I know this is all strange and unfamiliar territory for all of us, but you are welcome to respond to me if you so choose on your own timing.
