Sept. 11th
Hey gals. I thought it was high
time I send an update to you. Aachk. It's so hard for me because I
feel like over this last week’s I’ve used up all the words I had stored up for
the rest of my life. (not to mention the tears). This is not to say that
things have been horrible, they really haven't. I’m just pretty tired of
talking, ya know? Still, I’ll press on. As is my style, I’ll share
with you from my journal:
Sept. 8th (Thursday)
Oh Jesus, what and
emotional day yesterday was. In the morning we met with M. I
praise You for that pastor. He was gently but firm. He had good
wisdom and counsel. He really gave me some things to consider.
Thank You for using him. For Your glory, Lord. And last night
C confessed to our small group. I'm also incredibly thankful for that
family of brothers and sisters.
Father, something that many weeks ago I couldn't even comprehend came about. I offered him forgiveness.
I'd been holding onto it because I was afraid that others might think it
was too soon. And honestly, also because I wanted to continue making
C wait for it. And both of those reasons for withholding it from him
were sin. You were prompting me to forgive him and in my own selfishness I
withheld it. Forgive me, Jesus. I recognize that the longer I held onto
that un-forgiveness, the darker the days would be to come. The more
opportunity for Satan to plant bitterness and lies in my head. I am a
sinner no less guilty than my adulterous husband. And how could You forgive me if I was
unwilling to forgive. I'm still hurt, but I know that the time will come
when this is just a scar. When it doesn't hurt as much. And I know
that because You are the Great Healer, it will be a scar that heals well.
In my unforgivness, I felt much like the older brother in the parable of
the prodigal son. You were rejoicing, my brothers and sisters, our
friends were rejoicing at the return of Your son, at C's redemption and yielding to
Your hand. And I have been the older brother, sulking. Wondering
where's my party? I was the good one, the one who didn't leave You.
And that is sin. That was pride and haughtiness on my part and You
do no stand for that.
Luke 15:28-32:
But he was angry and refused to go in. his father came
out and entreated him, but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I
have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a
young goat, that I might celebrate with
my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your
property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!' And he
said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.
It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead,
and is alive; he was lost, and is found.' Casey is alive, Jesus. He
is alive and I will rejoice with You.
One thing that M told me to do when
we met on Wed. was to really try and examine some of the idols in my own life. Figure
out what the roots were and dig them up, no matter how much it hurt to examine
my own heart. So I prayed that God would begin to reveal them to me, and
sure enough He started to right away. The first to come to realization
was that C and my marriage was an idol. I thought that if I loved him enough, if I was a good enough wife, if I had sex with him enough, that I
could provide a good marriage. And I realized that having a marriage that
looked and seemed peachy keen was an idol to me. I figured I could be
just "transparent" enough to fool others into believing we had it all
together. The second idol God revealed to me played into that, and into
other things. And that is an idol of pleasing others. I'm not sure
if that will make sense to you, but basically I bowed down to an idol of people
pleasing. I am so insecure, and so unsure of myself and who I am, that I
figured if I could make myself be someone that others liked well enough, if I
could just say yes yes yes to ever request made of me, if I could change who I
was to suite the tastes of others...that I would gain friendships. That I
would gain a good reputation, of a woman well liked. And I placed too
much emphasis on being liked by others that I forgot that it only matters that
I am loved by God. That's the only thing that matters. Idol number
three and perhaps the hardest one (or most embarrassing one) to admit
is this: I bowed down to the idol of having more children. Why do/did I
want to have more kids? I truly love being a mom and enjoy having kids.
But I wrapped myself around the idea that I wouldn't be as respected by
my peers (again, the people pleasing) if we didn't have the whole boat load of
kids that they were having. There, I said it. I wanted to have more
kids because my friends were having more kids. If I stopped at having
kids, then I wouldn't have been as good of a mom or as well of a respected mom
as the friends of mine who are "adequate" at being a mom and has lots
of kids. Does that make sense? It's gross, I know. And in
serving this idol, I was neglecting to praise God and just be thankful for the
precious children God has already gifted me with. I believed that they
were not enough for me. So even though right now is basically the WORST
time to have to be thinking/talking about having more kids...we have to, and as
we set our plans...I will not be birthing more children. Because it is an
idol in my life, and because it's come about that it's probably not safe for me
to have more children, we are not having any more. And do you know what?
I feel surprisingly peaceful about not having more kids. It was the
control that that idol had over my life that made me fret and be anxious.
But once released and submitting to God's will for myself, instead of
stomping my feet and throwing a fit about what I wanted...I feel calm
and peaceful. And look forward to being a mama to my sweet kiddos...without worrying about/obsessing about if and
when I’ll have another baby. Jesus is enough for me.
Also from my journal
(and then I’ll wrap this freakishly long email up):
Sept. 9th
Jesus, this whole
recognition of and letting go of idols thing, it's harder then I though.
I think that C nailed a few on the head yesterday and my
response with less than pretty...
-My recognized IDOLS:
*C and our Marriage
*Pleasing others to make myself feel good
*Having more kids
What else, God?
What more is there? I want them gone. I do not want to bow
down to ANYTHING but You.
1 Cor. 10:12-
Therefore let anyone
who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.
I cannot stand but by
Your mercy and without the existence of idols in my life.
Father, please soften my heart towards C. Help me to love
him and enjoy our marriage without building and alter in my heart to them.
My reactions to him yesterday were so gross. My heart is so
prideful and unwilling to hear truth. I'm wrestling with having offered him forgiveness on Wednesday and now feeling so attacked. My response to him calling me out on my sin, his helping me to recognize idols was like that
of the servant forgiven his debt but who was unwilling to forgive his fellow
servant.
Matthew 18:32-35-
Then his master
summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt
because you pleaded with me. And should not you have mercy on your fellow
servant, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his master delivered him to
the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father
will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your
heart.
Lord, I could never
pay my debt to you, I would be in prison, in hell for eternity. Help me
to forgive C from my heart.
Overall, I had a good weekend spent
with C. I feel encouraged to be around him, as messed up as that
seems.... I think right now, what I need the most prayer for is that I
would be strong. I feel so weak. Or actually, that I wouldn't be relying
on my own strength (since I feel so weak) but instead I would be
relying on the strength of Jesus to carry me out of this war. I
am feeling more and more tempted to just retreat into myself. I am so
tired of going back and forth from my parents’ house to our town. I am tired
of having to put on this fake happy face for my parents (not that I’m
feeling the need to sulk, but I just can't be totally real) And, please pray that we by God's mercy would be able to find a house to rent sooner than later. And pray for protection for my heart from Satan. I
can sense his desire to tear me down, to convince me that this is all too hard
and that I should just give up.
So that's that, gals.
I'm thankful for you all. I'm thankful for your willingness to help
carry this burden for me.
You'll never know how
much you truly mean to me.
