Divorce.

When we think of idols, we often refer our minds to a carved piece of wood.  Or a shaped and molded piece of metal.  But an idol doesn't have to look like that at all, and it's often the idols that don't fit a "physical" mold that are the most damaging.  It took my husband's confession of adultery for me to finally recognize the indeed he was my biggest, most destructive idol.  What on earth do I mean by this?  Well, I was more focused on "pleasing", "satisfying", and living up to his standards (which is silly because he didn't even have standards for me, he loved me as i was!) than God's, who is my true Husband.  I was the cheerleader for: "happy home, happy husband!"  I wore the clothes he liked, the jewelry he liked, the make up he liked.  I preached a hard lesson of, "have sex with your husband at every chance you get!"  After all, if you are having sex with him often and keeping him satisfied at home, why on earth would he ever wander?  

YUCK!

Granted, these aren't bad things, but I  was putting my hope and my security of my marriage on these things instead of on the Lord.  My husband had an affair with another woman despite my effort to control this very thing.  Your husband might too.  I am not wishing this on you!  I would never ever ever ever want this for you, but what I want to communicate to you is this:  Jesus is your Husband.  Even if your husband, your wife betray's you, Jesus never will.  He will always be your Husband and you are His cherished, beloved Bride.  

Be cautious.  LOVE your husband!  Love him!!!!!!  But, do not turn him into an idol.

September 6, 2011 from my journal:

C talked about how he and I have gone through a divorce.  That divorce happened when he broke the covenant of our marriage vows.  And now he and I are dating again.  Boyfriend and girlfriend.  It feels at the same time scary and exciting.  He does not touch me, and I’m ok with that.  When we were dating/engaged we only kissed, but the intensity of it and frequency was too much.  He says that isn’t going to happen this time.  We’ll go slowly.  We also talked about how I need to grow.  How I need to be wary of turning C into and idol.  I don’t think it was intentional.  But it’s true, I did.  I took more security in having him for a husband.  But You are my Husband first.  My worry and fear is that C and I will with Your grace, by Your hand restore our marriage, and that he’ll cheat again.  But what I’m realizing is this:  he might.  He might start drinking again.  Looking at porn again. He might, but that cannot stop me from trusting You.  If that causes me to halt in fear, then C is still and idol to me.  My trust, my worship must be Yours.  No matter what.  Jesus, help me to let him be my husband without allowing him to become my Husband.  You will never leave me.  You will never cheat on me, steal from and betray me.  My future doesn't depend on C.  Truly, he doesn’t matter in the big picture.  You do.  That doesn’t mean I can’t love him, and enjoy him. He just can’t become more to me than You.  He can’t.

March on my soul, be strong.

September 7, 2011 from my journal:

I feel mad at C, I feel like this wound is festering right now.  Jesus, I need you.  I need Your truth that You are trustworthy.  You will never leave me.  As my Father, You hurt for me.  You have me, God.  I know you have me.

-March on my soul, be strong.

-The former things have come to pass, and now new things You declare.

I’m going to be ok.  No matter what the outcome of my marriage, I will always be Your bride.  Protect us from Satan.  Help us to recognize the lies.  Don’t let C forget the sting.  Change him.  Change me.

Psalm 138:3

On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.

Psalm 139:5

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.

Let not your emotion be an excuse for sin

I was the woman betrayed.  That gives me the right to be angry at the world, right?  Wrong.  This was certainly a time of learning to lay down my anger, to lay down my wounds, and trust that Jesus would heal.  When we are angry and hurt, we can often times feel justified in sinning in our actions, in our words, and even in our thought life.  This isn't ok!  There is a righteous anger, yes, and that is ok.  But to sin in anger is different.  

This is an email to some of the dear women who were helping to keep me accountable during this hard hard time.  

Hi.

I felt the need to share this with you all, to confess my sin during this time.  This is taken from my journal this afternoon:

“A sent me an email today and overall he was just comforting and exhorting.  I appreciate him so much, Lord.  He and S are taking on a heavy burden, one they don't deserve to have to carry.  Bless them, Jesus, bless them.  At one point in the email A said, ' My one caution for today and even this week:  Let not your emotion and anger and wrestling be an excuse for sin.  All that you're feeling is valid, but not to let yourself willfully yield to sin.'  But what does that look like, God?  How do I distinguish my anger from sin?  I really want to understand this because I truly do want to be above reproach right now.  Is calling him a bastard sin?  Was emailing the woman sin?  Is not telling my parents sin?  How can I distinguish?  Maybe he's thinking less in regards to my actions and words and more about sinning in my thought life.  Like I can't read blogs or twitter/FB etc. because I'm just angry at everyone.  Their lives go on while mine has stopped.  They can post trivial stupid little updates; all I have is heaviness of heart.  I turned to them as a means to just check out, not think about this whole mess right now.  Which I should have known would be futile.  When I read the blog about the mom who was tired because she's going through a trying time of discipline with her one son, I wanted to tell her to shut up and deal.  Forgetting that that used to be a trying time for me too.  When I read about the friend, freshly engaged and gaga over her fiancé-- I want to say, "good for you, enjoy it while it lasts because it will probably end in a C.D. about making a great soundtrack with some other woman."  Forgetting that I was her 8.5yrs ago.  Or when the friend posts about having the "worst night of her life" because her dog died.  And I want to say, "Get over it.  Try having your husband use, steal from, and betray you.  Maybe that would feel like the worst night of your life."  But, this is wrong.  These thoughts, they are sin.  Help me to gain control of my thought life.  Let me only think, say and do that which will bring You glory and honor.  I'm cutting out the temptation to even sin in my thoughts by not going to blogs or social media websites right now.  Right my heart, God.  Help me to remember this is my battle and those people are friends, not enemies."

Please pray for me sisters.  Pray for protection against the temptation to sin in any way.

The Healing Balm of Truth

Wounds are no fun.  Is that like the understatement of the year (it very well could be since we are only 7 days in!!! hahaha!)?  But truly, a wound, an injury is something that we dread.  And emotional wounds are just as painful as the physical.  I have many physical scars.  One on my knee from when I fell in my driveway running as a little girl.  I remember it hurt like the dickens.  It bled and bled.  It throbbed.  I went into my house and my dad cleaned my bleeding wound.  He was tender and compassionate with me.  He wanted to hear how it happened and listened to me go on and on about how much it hurt.  He washed it out.  He dabbed at it with a clean cloth.  He dried it, gently put neosporin on it and placed a secure bandage over it.  It began to heal quickly as my body provided a natural bandage.   However, because of where it was on my knee, if I bent my knee too quickly, it would pull open.  The pain was sharp and it would bleed again.  I would have to go through the cleansing and healing process of applying balm and a bandage.  In my childishness, sometimes I became bored and would pick at the scab.  You can imagine that again, the wound would be painful and bleed.  Again, the balm, the bandage.  Until finally, one day, it was healed.  No more scab.  However, there remained a big scar.  It was visible and every time I looked at it, I remember how I got it.  I remembered the pain, but I also rested peacefully in the healing.  

As you can imagine, the emotional wound of my husbands affair played out similarly.  The healing balm?  The Bible.  God's tender and gentle words.  God was my Daddy, who carried me after I fell down, who though already knowing what happened, listened to my tearful explanation of how my marriage fell down, and how my heart got ripped wide open, and how badly it hurt.  God cleaned my bleeding wound, He washed it with His Word.  He dabbed at it with the promise of Redemption and with the understanding of what it was like to be betrayed.  He dried my tears and covered my heart with the healing balm of Truth, of worship music, and supportive friends and family.

But there were times, as described below, when it would tear open.  It is a scar now.  A scar that I count as lovely.  A scar that I would never remove, because it continually reminds me of the Gospel and of my desperate need of it.

September 5, 2011 from my journal:

Jesus, good morning!  I need to praise You, Father, for the good work You are doing around and in me.  Each day that goes by the wound of C’s affair heals a little more.  But like all physical wounds, there are times where I twist too sharp, a memory, a question, something pulls the wound open again.  And it bleeds, it festers, until I put the healing balm of Your truth on it.  And there are times where I chose to pick at it, to open it up to bleed again.  And again, it doesn’t begin to heal up until I put Your healing balm on it.  I know God, this wound will heal.  I also know that it will scar.  Be a big scar.  A reminder of this pain.  But, like any physical scar, though I see it, and remember how I got it; it will no longer hurt.  And I praise You, Healer, great Physician, for caring ever so tenderly for my wound.  With any other doctor, this would be a fatal wound, but not with You.

Wrestling with fear.

September 2, 2011 from my journal:

I don’t like this day very much.  I really just feel sad today.  Quiet.  Kind of scared and for sure feeling stressed.  Jesus, I need You to carry me today.  I was starting to believe that maybe I could limp along on my own a little bit, but I can’t.  I can’t at all.

I’m wrestling with fear and worry today.  C seemed to choose to go to “affair land” aka Disneyland because he wasn’t happy in our marriage.  He needed to vacation from me.  Well, his life really sucks now.  He’s under house arrest, he has a wife who’s a wreck.  We’re trying to find a place to live.  He’s having to confess over and over to people.  We have to go to counseling.  If he was unhappy, stressed and needing a vacation to “affair land” where he could dance and drink and kiss his worries away, how much more is he going to want to escape now?  I know, I know, God. Trust You.  Trust You. I’m just so scared.  I feel so helpless.  My life is a nightmare.  Carry me, Jesus, carry me. 

I feel like retreating.  I feel smothered.  I’m so tired of having to “fill” people in.  Tired of touching base.  I just want to be alone.  I don’t’ want sympathy. I’m tired of being looked at like, poor little R.  I just want You, Jesus.  I want to retreat, to close off from everyone else. 

Am I lovely?

It was not only my marriage that Satan sought to destroy through my husbands adultery, but me.  Who I was, am, would be.  There were days that Satan had me convinced that I deserved to have a husband who cheated.  There were days that Satan had me convinced that I wasn't lovely or lovable.  It is so much easier to believe the lies of Satan than Truth.  I don't know why that is, but I do know that is the very reason we need to consistently be in the Word.  That is why we need to be praying and communicating with God, with Truth Himself.  That is why we need fellowship and people willing to speak hard truths into our lives.  Because Satan is a destroyer and he will attack us in our most weak places.

The weight of forgiveness is heavy.  More so for the person withholding it than for the person who it needs to be offered to.  And forgiveness is a process, and a process of the heart that happens again and again and again.  Forgiveness is not a magical fix all.  I had hoped for a laid out timeline for forgiveness, but learned that it's individual and there is no "plan" to follow.  It just happens, by the grace of God, it can happen.

September 1, 2011 from my journal:

Dear Jesus, it’s a new month.  A new morning.  I’m still holding onto Isaiah 42:9: Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things no I declare.

It’s a new day.  You are shaping a new husband for me.  A new marriage.  A new me.  Thank You that Your mercies never come to an end.  I still feel heavy this morning, with the weight of my reality, with the work of the things I have set before me.  But you make me feel strong enough to handle it.

Today the tape that Satan is playing in my ear is one of my own insecurities.  My every physical flaw has never stuck out so clearly to me.  So painfully.  “She’s skinny as a rail.” Is what he told me about her.  I am not.  Not even close.  Never has the stretch marks, the cellulite and the looseness of my skin after having babies ever been so painfully and glaringly obvious to me.  I’m battling the thoughts that one day, when we are intimate again, they will be glaringly obvious to him too.  And unappealing.  I do not look like the girls in porn.  My boobs are saggy and have stretch marks.  My butt is flat.  My arms are flabby.  My calves are too big. My stomach too loose.  I’m not physically lovely.  This is my battle today.  This my wound. 

God, I know there is no magic timeline.  I know I’m going to have good days and bad.  Part of me feels really hopeful, really ready to move forward.  And another part of me thinks that’s too fast.  That I am not ready to forgive.  But what I’m struggling to discern is if my hesitancy to more forward is because people keep telling me I need to go slow?  Or because I want C to continue to feel the sting?  Or do I want to move forward because I truly am ready to forgive?  Or out of fear of pushing C away/over the edge?  How can I discern?

How to survive when your lungs aren't working.

I've mentioned on another post that I was able to talk with a woman who had been through this, J.  Her husband had a similar affair.  She and her husband were triage for us.  They didn't even know us, but they loved us, counseled us, shed tears with us.  We are forever grateful to them.  One of the greatest gifts of counsel that J gave me was to take each day, half hour by half hour.

When your husband has confessed adultery to you, it's all you can do to just keep breathing.  If breathing is terribly hard, imagine what happens to your lungs when you think about the next day, the next week, the next year.  I'll tell you what happens to your lungs, they shut down.  It is far too overwhelming to try and think about or imagine what the future might hold.  So J told me to just breath through the current half hour.  Just think about the current half hour.  There were half hours where I felt like I needed to be on oxygen, breathing in the Word and the truth that the Lord had for me.  Then, there were some half hours where my lungs inhaled and exhaled easily.  Half hour by half hour.

August 31^st

Hi gals.  I hope it doesn't seem annoying to you to have to keep reading the things I'm praying through from my journal...but it's just the simplest way for me to communicate right now.  Taken from my journal this morning:

I'm not sure why, Lord, the mornings can feel the hardest.  The mornings are when my stomach feels the most nauseous, my appetite the least.  It's when the despair and weight of the situation feels the heaviest.  

Lamentations 3:21-33

²² The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;^[a] 21But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:   his mercies never come to an end;²³they are new every morning;    great is your faithfulness.²⁴ "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,  "therefore I will hope in him." ²⁵The LORD is good to those who wait for him,   to the soul who seeks him.²⁶ It is good that one should wait quietly   for the salvation of the LORD.²⁷ It is good for a man that he bear  the yoke in his youth. ²⁸Let him sit alone in silence   when it is laid on him;²⁹ let him put his mouth in the dust—   there may yet be hope;³⁰ let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults  ³¹ For the Lord will not   cast off forever,³²but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion    according to the abundance of his steadfast love;³³ for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.

It says your mercies are new each morning.  I know they are.  It says Your faithfulness is great.  I know it is.  But I feel so crushed today.  So hopeless.  But Your Word promises me that You will not cast me off forever- but You will have compassion according to the abundance of Your steadfast love.  It says You do not willingly afflict or grieve the children of man.  Jesus, remind me of the truth always, that You didn't want this for me.  You don't want to see my heart crushed and in despair.  But Your Word does say, it is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.  This is a heavy yoke--for both C and I.  And we are young.  I have hope that we can recover.  Your Word promises we can.

Lamentations 3: 55-59

I called on your name, O LORD, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, ' Do not close your ear to my cry for help!'  You came near when I called on you: you said, ' do not fear!'  You have taken up my cause, O LORD; you have redeemed my life.  You have seen the wrong done to me, O LORD; judge my cause.

I read these scriptures and I want them to give me hope.  I said above that they do-- and I suppose they do, but I just still feel so defeated.  So crushed.  It's so hard to have a peaceful, truth filled day like yesterday, then wake up in the morning feeling so...afraid.  Afraid that since the ball's already dropped, that something is going to come along and crush it.

I laughed on the phone last night with C.  This morning, I think of him and cannot even fathom being able to laugh with him.  I feel so mad, so hurt by him. Help me, Lord, to remember- half hour by half hour.  Some of those are going to be good ones, some bad.  Just help me to cling to Your truth!  Help me to discern the whispers of Satan.  Help me to not believe the lie that there is a magical time line for this.  I'm anxious to start counseling, to feel like we're really taking steps to DO something instead of just being separated.  I know praying is life giving.  It's my lifeline.  But I want to do more...

Psalm 86:47-5

Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you Lord, do I lift up my soul.  For you, O LORD, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.

I feel compelled, God, to really pray for C right now.  He says he's broken.  He says he regrets every moment of how he was living. He says he has no affection for K.  He says he will do anything to make our marriage work.  He says it doesn't matter how long it takes for me to forgive him.  To love him again.  he says, he says, he says....But his words mean nothing to me now.  Nothing.  Help me to trust him again.  Give me discernment in his words to know what is truth and what is a lie.  Jesus, help me to forgive his lies.  Help me  to remember that I am a liar too.  Help me to not compare my iniquities with C's, or anyone else's for that matter.  Jesus, forgiveness seems so impossible.  I feel heavy with the weight of it.  Help me, one moment, one instant at a time.

Jesus, You love me so well.  You have me, I know you have me, no matter what.

Isaiah 42:3-4

a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice.  He will not grow faint or be discouraged till he has established justice in the earth.

Isaiah 42:9

Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things now I declare...

Isaiah 43:1-3

But now thus says the LORD, he who created you O Jacob, he who formed you O Israel: "Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are mine.  when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I am clinging to the truths in Your Word.  Clinging to them for dear life.  Because I feel like I am drowning--- but Your Word promises me I won't. 

So gals, that's where I'm at in this half hour.  Please pray for my next.