I am a sinner just the same

October 4, 2011 from my journal:
I pray for wisdom through Your Word this morning.  Your Word nourishes me.

2 Peter 1:4By which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

My mind initially thinks of Your grace in my escaping the corruption of the world because of C or K’s sinful desire.  Which is valid and true, You’ve carried me to safety, to healing.  But I must not fool myself into thinking that my own sinful desire isn’t mingled in there as well.  I have been betrayed by the man I love.  I have been wounded deeply.  But I am a sinner just the same.  It is my own sin that Your mercy is saving me from.  Don’t let me forget.  I am desperate for You.  So needy.  And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

In the midst of pain and a wounded heart, it was easy to read the Bible and only apply it to C as the sinner.   But that is a dirty, dirty lie.  How easy it is for us humans to look at other's failures, other's sins, other's foolish choices and thank that we are better than them.  Well, let me just give you the truth here.  We aren't.  We are just as guilty.  We are just as deserving of Hell.  We are all hypocrites.  It's just that not all of us have our sins, our bad choices, our hypocrisy exposed to the world. We read articles of people in the lime light, Christian or not, who have affairs.  Who hide emails.  Who look at porn.  Who do this or that ugly thing.  And then we think to ourselves, "Phew.  I'm not that bad." or "Geeze, thankfully no one get's to look at the websites I've been browsing."  "Man, good thing no one can read my mind."  Don't just so quickly the sins of others.  Pull the log from your own eye first.  Confess your weakness first.  Seek Jesus first.  Confess your hidden sins, first.  I am as guilty.  So are you.  Even if you don't want to admit it. 

You are not a good person, K.

After I emailed K, her husband G, called my husband C.  Can you believe that?  G wanted to hear from C's mouth the story of their affair.  G wanted to see if what C said lined up with what K said.  Some things didn't and I am sure that was pretty hard on G.  Months and months later, I would realize how hard that was on him.   

My response to K’s email:

Sep 30

K, I have to confess, I was shocked to even hear from you.  Also, I have to confess, I am shocked that my heart is as soft towards you as it is.  But that is the work of the Lord...and time.  I've had 5 weeks to wrestle with every possible emotion and when I think of G having to go through this right now, it brings me to tears.  Because I know how he is feeling.  I all too well understand his anger.  His hurt.  I think he handled his conversation with C like a man, with a lot of self-control.  G is where I was when I sent you the very first email in August.  So please don't think that I don't fully and all too completely understand how fresh G's wounds are.  But I hope that you can see (and G too) that there is hope.
I thank you for offering your apology to me.  I forgive you, Kim.  I really do.  I could not choose to offer forgiveness to my husband and yet withhold it from you.  So I do.  I forgive you from my heart.  
One thing I wanted to touch on from your response was this:  You are not a good person.  I am not a good person.  Neither is C or G.  We are all sinners who make foolish choices.  All destine for Hell.  It is because we are not good, because we are all sinners that Christ died on the Cross.  You chose sin.  C chose sin.  I choose it.  There is no gradient scale for sin.  God does not see me any better than He sees you.  Praise Him!  But please don't fool yourself into thinking that you, or any of us are "good people".  Because that would be a disgrace to the sacrifice that Jesus (the only good and perfect person) gave for us.  If we are good, then His sacrifice was for nothing.  His sacrifice was for EVERYTHING.   Everyone.
Like I said in my last email, C wasn't totally honest with me in the beginning either.  He was (not on purpose either) forgetting details.  But as he remembered, as the days went on, or as my questions stirred his memory, he shared honestly with me.  Because he knew it was better to share openly NOW, rather than have anything come up later on and attempt to destroy our marriage again.  I know it's hard and scary.  But being on the victim's side (like G) I can honestly say I wanted to know everything.  I didn't want anything hidden from me anymore.  I'd been deceived for far too long.  So I'm glad that you feel like last night you finally got it all out.  Keep going.
Find the roots, K, to why you made the choices you did.  I'm not pointing my finger at you right now, I just want you try and draw out some of the deep rooted issues as to why you acted in the way that you did.  C and I have been through the ringer of the "whys" on his end of the affair.  What are your insecurities?  We've all got them.  What is lacking in your marriage that made you turn to another man?  Get yourself and your marriage into counseling.  And not with your pastor, because quite honestly it sounds like he's pretty deceived in the biblical way to handle this situation.  But really, I just want you to figure out who you are.  So that you don't have to continue to live in the traps of insecurity.  And shame.  Let go of that.  Jesus died on the Cross to forgive your affair.  C's affair. (I don't ever want you to think that I believe him any less guilty then you).  Let Jesus forgive you and tenderly minister to you soul.  Cling to Him, K.  It is the only way that you will be able to live.  The only way your marriage will be able to survive this.  You and G cannot fix this.  Only God can.  And He want's too.
Again, you are welcome to respond if you'd like.  But just know, as you are, I'm praying.  Constantly in prayer, K.

Oh. My. Goodness. She emailed me back.

I opened my email a day later and my jaw dropped to the floor.  She emailed me back.  Hear pounding, lungs struggling to function, I read her email.

A response from K:

Sep 30

Hi R,
Thank you for your email.  I am so sorry for all of the pain that I have caused everyone involved.  My heart is heavy knowing what I have done.  Please know that I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused your family.
Please keep in mind that my husband’s wounds are very fresh.  He just heard the entire story.  He is angry, and is blaming everyone (including me).  Because he knows this is so out of character for me, I think he is trying to see what made me act in the poor way that I did. 
About a year ago, we were at church, and there was a sermon on rebuilding marriages.  Our pastor spoke about a couple he was counseling and the man had had an affair.  He wanted to tell his wife everything.  However, our pastor said that telling her all of the details would only cause immense pain to his wife.  It would make him feel better, but it would cause unnecessary pain for her.  When I had to make a decision on what to tell G, I kept hearing our pastor’s voice in my head.  I wanted to protect him from pain.
However, as time went on, I started to doubt my choice.  I didn’t know what was the best thing to do for G, our marriage.  I decided to tell him the details.  Without meaning to, I did leave the nitty gritty details out.  I guess I was still trying to protect him.  I am now trying to tell him every detail I can remember.  My mind is such a mess right now that I am not thinking straight.  I am forgetting some things.  Not on purpose, but just the same.  I honestly feel that after last night I have told G everything and cleared up any misconceptions he had due to details I had accidentally left out.
Please know that I am praying for the healing and rebuilding of all involved.  I truly am not a bad person.  I have just made some really, really bad choices lately.  I pray for forgiveness and healing for all involved constantly.
K

Did you catch that?  What her pastor told her?  That is NOT ok.  Never, never never is it ok to hide our sin from our spouse.  Nothing could ever be more damaging.  Bad advice.  Very very bad.  I had to respond again.  Had to.

The hardest email I have ever written

K (the woman C had and affair with) had her best friend call C (she had her friend call because I had asked her in my Facebook email to never contact C again....apparently she thought having her friend call was the solution to my request.)  Anyway, after he and her friend talked on the phone, I couldn't get certain thoughts to stop floating around in my head.  Things I wanted, things I needed to say to her.  So, I asked C to give me her email address and then, without knowing what the outcome might be, I emailed the woman who had an affair with my husband.  I had to, because she had just told her husband the truth (well, some of it) and I was completely heartbroken for him.  I felt like I had to speak out to her, for him  The strength, the bravery to do it, it all came from Jesus.

An email from me to K, the woman C had an affair with:

Sep 29

Hi K.

First of all, I wanted to tell you that you need not fear my being nasty to you in any way.  I don't have any intentions of causing you hurt or harm.  Second, I wanted to tell you that I'm really glad you chose to tell G about your and C's affair.  Call it what you want (I'm not sure how you view it) it was adultery.  And I understand what G is going through right now.  I understand how crushed he feels right now.  I understand how deceived.  How angry.  How hurt he is.  I was there 5 weeks ago.  And I have really crappy days still.  You and C caused a lot of destruction with your selfishness.  I'm not sending you this email to try and make you feel worse for your actions.  I'm sending you this email to try and help you understand what G is going through right now.  And to ask something of you.  Be honest with him.  Totally honest.  Don't hold back any information.  Not even the smallest detail.  Don't try and down play your actions in this affair.  You and C were both willing parties, and are thus equally guilty.  Don't make it seem like C was hunting you down when all you wanted to do was cut things off (*this was a lie she admitted to telling her husband to try and make it easier on him).  You know that's not true.  For the sake of your marriage, and to give God the opportunity to restore your relationship you must be honest.  If G is ever going to be able to work through this hurt, if he is ever going to be able to truly forgive you; it has to start with complete and total honesty.  When C first told me about the affair, he wasn't fully honest.  Because he was afraid of hurting me more.  He wanted to protect me from more pain.  And I'm sure you feel the same.  You recognize that you have wrecked your husband.  You don't want to cause him more hurt.  But, what is more hurtful than telling him the whole truth (every single nitty gritty detail as many times as he needs to hear it) is you keeping the truth from him and then having to drag it all out months or years down the road and have this nasty wound torn open again.

K, I am a survivor of betrayal.  My marriage will be a survivor of adultery.  Not because I have an incredible capacity to forgive.  Not because C was brutally honest with every detail and wholly repentant for his actions.  But because God wants restoration for our marriages.  I have never understood or grasped the Gospel so well as I do now.  Marriage truly is a picture of the Gospel.  Jesus was betrayed by the ones He loved.  G and I were betrayed by the ones we loved.  Jesus was able to forgive, and by asking for a heart like Jesus, he has given me the capacity to forgive.  Not just C, but you too.  Here's why:  

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant

 ²¹Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" ²²Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.^[g]

 ²³"Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.^[h] 24When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.^[I] 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. ²⁶So the servant^[j] fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' ²⁷And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. ²⁸But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii,^[k] and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' ²⁹So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' ³⁰He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. ³¹When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. ³²Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. ³³ And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' ³⁴ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,^[l] until he should pay all his debt. ³⁵ So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."

I am praying that one day G will be able to grasp this truth.  That we have been forgiven much, and God is clear that we must forgive those who have hurt us.  And I pray this not for your sake, but for G's sake.  That he can one day be released of the weight of unforgivness.  
I know you are not a child, and don't need to be spoken to like one.  I am so glad that you choose to reveal your sin to your husband, because this is the starting line to the long race to restore your marriage.  God wants redemption for your marriage.  For you.  It's the reason He sacrificed His Son.  So that we can be redeemed.  
All this to say, please, choose to keep nothing from G.  C told me every single heartbreaking detail.  And as excruciating as that was, it was the only way I was able to even begin to move towards forgiveness for him.  Because I knew he was willing to risk everything, sacrifice our marriage, our family, our future for the sake of honoring God.  He knew that we could never have a real marriage, a great and enjoyable marriage if there was anything still hanging out under the surface.  He wasn't absolving his guilt by telling me.  He was finally choosing selflessness.  He had been choosing to be selfish by having an affair with you for too long.  He sacrificed himself for the sake of truth.  And now, our marriage is better for it.  It will continue to grow and see redemption.  And I believe the same is possible for your marriage.  
G is crushed.  He doesn't trust you.  He won't until you choose to be totally honest with him.  Don't push him.  Don't beg him for forgiveness.  Just tell him the truth and pray for your husband.  And like I told you I would in my first email, I am praying for you.  God says I need to.  So I am.  I don't want your marriage to be destroyed.  I am praying that you will recognize the full weight of your sin.  That you will feel the sting, the painful consequence so that you are able to fully turn from it and repent of it.  I am praying that Greg will be able to move towards forgiving you.  I am praying for your daughters.  I'm not on your side.  I'm not on Greg's side.  I'm on the side of God and on the side of your marriage.

I know this is all strange and unfamiliar territory for all of us, but you are welcome to respond to me if you so choose on your own timing.  

A phone call that rattled

September 28^th

Good morning girls.  Thought I'd give you all a quick update.  Overall, this last week or so has been good.  C and I have had to have a few hard discussions (a necessary result of God continuing to draw out sin and roots of sin in our individual lives and marriage) and though no one likes those hard discussions while in them...I'm so thankful to be really talking to him.  But like I said, overall things have been good.  I've really actually been enjoying the time I've spent with C.  I look forward to it.  I feel encouraged by him and by his heart to really pursue God and better love and pursue me as a result.  I've told a few of you gals this, but I feel like I finally have the husband I've always knew was in C.  I am however continuing to go slowly....spending time daily in prayer.  One of the most pivotal things that God has taught me through this whole thing is that I can love C,  I can enjoy my time with him.  I can look forward to spending time with him. But he is not a replacement for God.  Only the Lord can fully satisfy me.  C is just a perk.  A great perk.  I had an encouraging time praying and reading the Word this morning.  

From my journal:

-Thank You, Jesus, for waking me early this morning!  I need You.  There is no substitution for you, I need You daily.  You refresh me more than sleep.

It's so interesting to me, how it can seem like C and I are doing so well, then a bomb gets dropped on us.  K's best friend called C yesterday.  K just now read my Facebook email and she is freaked out and paranoid that I'm going to call her names or out her affair with C on her Facebook page.  I would never do either of those things, but I understand her fear....hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned and she's afraid I'm going to be nasty.  She wonders why C regrets the C.D. he made her.  She wonders why he so quickly cut things off with her and confessed to me.  C told K's friend that she and K should both come clean to their husbands.  That he intends to tell G (K's husband) someday and seek his forgiveness.  This of course totally freaked her out.  Lord, I genuinely don't want their marriage to fail.  I pray God that You would make Yourself very real, personal and full of love for both K's and their husbands.  I pray that their marriages could be restored too.  I do not wish evil or harm for these women or their lives.  Continue to give me a heart like Yours, Jesus.  I'm hurt by that woman, by her actions---but as is true with C, I am a sinner just as she is.  She needs You.  She needs Your redemption and You want her for Your daughter.  I do pray, that C would not have any other conversations with anyone involved in this w/out my being present.  There is a bit of me that still has a hard time trusting C.  Indeed, You've done a mighty work in us and I pray for complete restoration---but I still don't really trust him, and I desire to be present when those kinds of interactions happen.  I know it's hard for C to not have my trust, but I also know and am thankful that he understands and is willing to wait patiently for me.  

C is moving full speed ahead (not in an aggressive or pushy way, he's just excited) with our relationship, but I find myself moving much slower.  I am anxious, but I am hopeful.  I just need to go slowly.  I hope and pray this isn't a discouragement to C.  Jesus, continue to grow our marriage, not for my comfort, but for Your glory.  Your gospel.  Just because thing are "better" between C and I, doesn't mean I'm not still desperate to hang onto You.  I don't want to build another alter, I don't want to make C and my marriage an idol.  Help me to love C fiercely and enjoy my marriage, but not love him more fiercely then I love You.  Because I love you, Jesus.  I am nothing without You.  You are the one carrying and supporting and healing me.  Not C.  He is following behind.  He is obeying Your commands and doing what he can to assist You--- but You are the one carrying me.  Thank You for never putting me down in this war, or for letting this wounded soldier go.  Thank you for speaking truth and comfort in my ear.  

1 Thes. 5:13-18  ...Be at peace among yourselves.  And we urge you brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.  See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.  Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I've struggled in my heart recently with anger towards and hurt from my sisters and brothers and the lack of pursuit from them towards either C or I.  But Your Word instructs me to be at peace.  That I need not worry about being admonished, encouraged, helped by others.  But that I need to admonish, encourage, help, and be patient with others regardless.  Jesus, help my heart to not seek or hope for evil towards K.  But let me seek to do good by praying for her. I rejoice, Lord, in this severe mercy.  Let my every breath be a prayer to You. Thank You for Your will for me.  For C.  For our marriage.

So that's where I'm at this morning.  Thank you for praying for me, sisters.  I love you all.

In this you rejoice...

September 13^th

hey ladies.  tonight C sent me a text that said: 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I went into my room and read it, and God tenderly lead me through a treasure trove of  scripture for my heart tonight.  I’ll share my journaling with you:

Your Word, Lord, it's like manna from heaven, feeding my starving soul.

1 Peter:1:6-7: In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Jesus, my entire being cries out to You that the tested genuineness of my faith -- in this trial of C's affair, and the trials of life to come -- that it may be found to result in praise and glory and honor of You.  Never before this whole thing have I truly grasped the mightiness, the gloriousness of Your Gospel.  Lord, let nothing else ever matter more to me.

1 Peter 4:1-2, 12-13: Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourself with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.  12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

Lord, I want this experience to change everything about me.  every relationship around me.  I want to live no longer for human passions, worshiping my husband, my marriage, my image, money, my kids, my title as a mom -- I don't want to live for those things anymore.  but I want to live for the will of God.  Your will, Your passions.  I rejoice at this fiery trial, insofar as I’m sharing in your sufferings.  You were betrayed by the one's You loved...and You loved them still.  Help me to still love C.  You suffered, You suffered every time we give our hearts to something/someone other than You, when our hearts are supposed to belong to You.  C gave his heart to another woman.  But I will rejoice Jesus, when Your glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:19: Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

I will continue on, living for You.  Though I suffer according to Your will, I will entrust my soul to You, my faithful Creator.  And I will keep doing good-- sharing the good news and truth of Your perfect and glorious sacrifice.  What's done is done, and the past is behind me.  I can't change what happened, but I have a choice in how I am going to live in the future.

And it is the promise at the end of these next verses that will spur me on, to keep going, to endure with joy.

1 Peter 5:6-11: Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful.  Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen.

I humble myself, Father, wholly and completely under your mighty hand.  I care not to be exalted myself, I only want to exalt You!  You care for me, You know my anxieties-- and You take them, relieve me of them with Your perfect truth and love.  I know that the devil is seeking to destroy me, my marriage-- the picture of Your Gospel.  But he will not devour me.  Or my marriage.  You are mightier than he.  I am in the midst of Your healing,  I know that You are restoring me, confirming, strengthening and establishing me.  No matter the future I am Yours.  I am Your bride.  Mighty God, to you be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen

This has been a good couple of half hours.  Praise God for His Word.  His truth.  His might.

The Gospel came in POWER

I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was just 10 years old.  I was invited to AWANAS by a friend and it was there that a woman spoke into my life about who Jesus was and what it meant to "accept Him".  I remember laying in my bed at a little 10 year old and asking Jesus to come into my heart.  Shortly after that, the family that loved on my and showed me Christ, and shared His gift with me moved away...and so did my general direction regarding the Lord.  It wasn't until I was 18 year old that I began walking with the Lord again, and it wasn't until I was 28 years old and my husband had confessed adultery to me that I truly understood the Gospel. 

September 21, 2011 from my journal:

I’m having a rough day, Lord.  I know You know, but I woke up feeling angry.  Defeated.  I feel angry at You, God.  I feel angry that C had an affair.  I feel angry that we sold our house.  I feel angry that I have to drive back and forth from my parents.  I feel angry that I’m a single mom right now.  I feel angry and frustrated.  I know that this is not a good place for my heart to be.  But I’m not so foolish as to believe that I’m not going to have days like this.  I’m thankful that You are big enough to stand my anger.  I’m thankful that I have the hope of knowing I’m not going to stay mad.  I feel frustrated that no one is checking in on C and I.  That I have to be the one to pursue still.  I feel angry that no one even responds to my emails.  I know that others have their own things going on, but I just feel a little…ignored?

September 26, 2011 from my journal:

I realize more daily how thankful I am to go through this trial.  I rejoice in this  severe mercy.  One, because I finally have the husband I’d always longed for, but most importantly, because I’ve realized I’ve always had the husband I longed for…You.  You have my heart completely.  I have amazing days with C right now.  You’ve truly worked a miracle in our marriage.  And the thing that I love the most about my amazing days with him?  That I still long for time with You.  I desire You more.  My earthly husband cannot satisfy me fully.  You can, and You do.  Thank you for carrying me through this war.  Thank You for healing my wound, for giving me medication through Your Word.  Thank You for restoring my marriage and giving me back my husband.  And thank you for restoring myself back to You.  Thank you for the Gospel. Thank You for helping me to understand it better than I ever could before this severe mercy. 

1 Thessalonians 1:4-10

For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen You, because our Gospel came to you not only in word, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction…you became imitators of us and of the LORD, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, so that you became an example to all the believers…For not only has the word of the LORD sounded forth from you, but your faith in God has gone forth everywhere, so that we need not say anything…and how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, Jesus, who delivers us from the wrath to come.

I don’t know that I was “chosen” by You, but I know that I am loved by You.  And I know that the Gospel came to me not only in Your Word, but in power to restore my marriage.  I receive Your Word in much affliction with the joy of the Holy Spirit.  I want to be an example to all believers, not to boast about myself, but to boast about You and Your mightiness.  I will continue to turn from idols.  Dig them up out of me, Jesus.  I want to serve You, the Living and True God.

Bowing down to idols

Sept. 11^th

Hey gals.  I thought it was high time I send an update to you.  Aachk.  It's so hard for me because I feel like over this last week’s I’ve used up all the words I had stored up for the rest of my life. (not to mention the tears).  This is not to say that things have been horrible, they really haven't.  I’m just pretty tired of talking, ya know?  Still, I’ll press on.  As is my style, I’ll share with you from my journal:

Sept. 8th (Thursday)

Oh Jesus, what and emotional day yesterday was.  In the morning we met with M.  I praise You for that pastor.  He was gently but firm.  He had good wisdom and counsel.  He really gave me some things to consider.  Thank You for using him.  For Your glory, Lord.  And last night C confessed to our small group.  I'm also incredibly thankful for that family of brothers and sisters.

Father, something that many weeks ago I couldn't even comprehend came about.  I offered him forgiveness.  I'd been holding onto it because I was afraid that others might think it was too soon.  And honestly, also because I wanted to continue making C wait for it.  And both of those reasons for withholding it from him were sin.  You were prompting me to forgive him and in my own selfishness I withheld it. Forgive me, Jesus.  I recognize that the longer I held onto that un-forgiveness, the darker the days would be to come.  The more opportunity for Satan to plant bitterness and lies in my head.  I am a sinner no less guilty than my adulterous husband.  And how could You forgive me if I was unwilling to forgive.  I'm still hurt, but I know that the time will come when this is just a scar.  When it doesn't hurt as much.  And I know that because You are the Great Healer, it will be a scar that heals well.  In my unforgivness, I felt much like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son.  You were rejoicing, my brothers and sisters, our friends were rejoicing at the return of Your son, at C's redemption and yielding to Your hand.  And I have been the older brother, sulking.  Wondering where's my party?  I was the good one, the one who didn't leave You.  And that is sin.  That was pride and haughtiness on my part and You do no stand for that.

Luke 15:28-32:

But he was angry and refused to go in.  his father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat,  that I might celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!'  And he said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.  It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.'  Casey is alive, Jesus.  He is alive and I will rejoice with You.

One thing that M told me to do when we met on Wed. was to really try and examine some of the idols in my own life.  Figure out what the roots were and dig them up, no matter how much it hurt to examine my own heart.  So I prayed that God would begin to reveal them to me, and sure enough He started to right away.  The first to come to realization was that C and my marriage was an idol.  I thought that if I loved him enough, if I was a good enough wife, if I had sex with him enough, that I could provide a good marriage.  And I realized that having a marriage that looked and seemed peachy keen was an idol to me.  I figured I could be just "transparent" enough to fool others into believing we had it all together.  The second idol God revealed to me played into that, and into other things.  And that is an idol of pleasing others.  I'm not sure if that will make sense to you, but basically I bowed down to an idol of people pleasing.  I am so insecure, and so unsure of myself and who I am, that I figured if I could make myself be someone that others liked well enough, if I could just say yes yes yes to ever request made of me, if I could change who I was to suite the tastes of others...that I would gain friendships.  That I would gain a good reputation, of a woman well liked.  And I placed too much emphasis on being liked by others that I forgot that it only matters that I am loved by God.  That's the only thing that matters.  Idol number three and perhaps the hardest one (or most embarrassing one) to admit is this: I bowed down to the idol of having more children.  Why do/did I want to have more kids?  I truly love being a mom and enjoy having kids.  But I wrapped myself around the idea that I wouldn't be as respected by my peers (again, the people pleasing) if we didn't have the whole boat load of kids that they were having.  There, I said it.  I wanted to have more kids because my friends were having more kids.  If I stopped at having kids, then I wouldn't have been as good of a mom or as well of a respected mom as the friends of mine who are "adequate" at being a mom and has lots of kids.  Does that make sense?  It's gross, I know.  And in serving this idol, I was neglecting to praise God and just be thankful for the precious children God has already gifted me with.  I believed that they were not enough for me.  So even though right now is basically the WORST time to have to be thinking/talking about having more kids...we have to, and as we set our plans...I will not be birthing more children.  Because it is an idol in my life, and because it's come about that it's probably not safe for me to have more children, we are not having any more.  And do you know what?  I feel surprisingly peaceful about not having more kids.  It was the control that that idol had over my life that made me fret and be anxious.  But once released and submitting to God's will for myself, instead of stomping my feet and throwing a fit about what I wanted...I feel calm and peaceful.  And look forward to being a mama to my sweet kiddos...without worrying about/obsessing about if and when I’ll have another baby.  Jesus is enough for me.

Also from my journal (and then I’ll wrap this freakishly long email up):

Sept. 9th

Jesus, this whole recognition of and letting go of idols thing, it's harder then I though.  I think that C nailed a few  on the head yesterday and my response with less than pretty...

          -My recognized IDOLS:

               *C and our Marriage

               *Pleasing others to make myself feel good

               *Having more kids

What else, God?  What more is there?  I want them gone.  I do not want to bow down to ANYTHING but You.  

1 Cor. 10:12-

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. 

I cannot stand but by Your mercy and without the existence of idols in my life.  Father, please soften my heart towards C.  Help  me to love him and enjoy our marriage without building and alter in my heart to them.  My reactions to him yesterday were so gross.  My heart is so prideful and unwilling to hear truth.  I'm wrestling with having offered him forgiveness on Wednesday and now feeling so attacked.  My response to him calling me out on my sin, his helping me to recognize idols was like that of the servant forgiven his debt but who was unwilling to forgive his fellow servant.

Matthew 18:32-35-

Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.  And should not you have mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?'  And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.  So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.

Lord, I could never pay my debt to you, I would be in prison, in hell for eternity.  Help me to forgive C from my heart.

Overall, I had a good weekend spent with C.  I feel encouraged to be around him, as messed up as that seems....  I think right now, what I need the most prayer for is that I would be strong.  I feel so weak. Or actually, that I wouldn't be relying on my own strength (since I feel so weak) but instead I would be relying on the strength of Jesus to carry me out of this war.  I am feeling more and more tempted to just retreat into myself.  I am so tired of going back and forth from my parents’ house to our town.  I am tired of having to put on this fake happy face for my parents  (not that I’m feeling the need to sulk, but I just can't be totally real) And,  please pray that we by God's mercy would be able to find a house to rent sooner than later.  And pray for protection for my heart from Satan.  I can sense his desire to tear me down, to convince me that this is all too hard and that I should just give up.  

So that's that, gals.  I'm thankful for you all.  I'm thankful for your willingness to help carry this burden for me.

You'll never know how much you truly mean to me.

The wound ripped open.

September 10, 2011 from my journal:

I drove past that bar tonight and it was too sharp a turn for my wound.  It ripped right open. 

The images of them together, dancing holding hands, her in his lap, them kissing, and it ripped my wound open. 

But You, Jesus, are still carrying me through this war.  You are not growing weary carrying me in Your arms, You are not growing weary of my weight.  And when I ask You for comfort, You give it to me.  Thank You for carrying me, the wounded soldier.  You are my Hero.  Be my salve.  Let Your Word and Your truth be my healing balm.  

Restore first and most importantly C and I’s marriage to You, as we are Your Brides.  Then, please, restore C and I’s marriage to one another.  And for Your glory.  I don’t want it for the praise of man.  I don’t want to hear how brave I am.  I don’t need or deserve the praise for having my heart be where it is.  

You do.  

You deserve the praise because I know, I cannot forgive and heal and grow on my own.  Only you can restore.  Only You can rebuild.  Let me not forget Isaiah 42:9.  Help me to not become bogged down with the "what if’s", with the images of C's betrayal. 

Make me like You.  You don’t see our sin.  You remember it no more.  Help me to remember C’s sin no more.  New things, Jesus, new things now I declare with You.

Divorce.

When we think of idols, we often refer our minds to a carved piece of wood.  Or a shaped and molded piece of metal.  But an idol doesn't have to look like that at all, and it's often the idols that don't fit a "physical" mold that are the most damaging.  It took my husband's confession of adultery for me to finally recognize the indeed he was my biggest, most destructive idol.  What on earth do I mean by this?  Well, I was more focused on "pleasing", "satisfying", and living up to his standards (which is silly because he didn't even have standards for me, he loved me as i was!) than God's, who is my true Husband.  I was the cheerleader for: "happy home, happy husband!"  I wore the clothes he liked, the jewelry he liked, the make up he liked.  I preached a hard lesson of, "have sex with your husband at every chance you get!"  After all, if you are having sex with him often and keeping him satisfied at home, why on earth would he ever wander?  

YUCK!

Granted, these aren't bad things, but I  was putting my hope and my security of my marriage on these things instead of on the Lord.  My husband had an affair with another woman despite my effort to control this very thing.  Your husband might too.  I am not wishing this on you!  I would never ever ever ever want this for you, but what I want to communicate to you is this:  Jesus is your Husband.  Even if your husband, your wife betray's you, Jesus never will.  He will always be your Husband and you are His cherished, beloved Bride.  

Be cautious.  LOVE your husband!  Love him!!!!!!  But, do not turn him into an idol.

September 6, 2011 from my journal:

C talked about how he and I have gone through a divorce.  That divorce happened when he broke the covenant of our marriage vows.  And now he and I are dating again.  Boyfriend and girlfriend.  It feels at the same time scary and exciting.  He does not touch me, and I’m ok with that.  When we were dating/engaged we only kissed, but the intensity of it and frequency was too much.  He says that isn’t going to happen this time.  We’ll go slowly.  We also talked about how I need to grow.  How I need to be wary of turning C into and idol.  I don’t think it was intentional.  But it’s true, I did.  I took more security in having him for a husband.  But You are my Husband first.  My worry and fear is that C and I will with Your grace, by Your hand restore our marriage, and that he’ll cheat again.  But what I’m realizing is this:  he might.  He might start drinking again.  Looking at porn again. He might, but that cannot stop me from trusting You.  If that causes me to halt in fear, then C is still and idol to me.  My trust, my worship must be Yours.  No matter what.  Jesus, help me to let him be my husband without allowing him to become my Husband.  You will never leave me.  You will never cheat on me, steal from and betray me.  My future doesn't depend on C.  Truly, he doesn’t matter in the big picture.  You do.  That doesn’t mean I can’t love him, and enjoy him. He just can’t become more to me than You.  He can’t.