I am a sinner just the same

October 4, 2011 from my journal:
I pray for wisdom through Your Word this morning.  Your Word nourishes me.

2 Peter 1:4By which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

My mind initially thinks of Your grace in my escaping the corruption of the world because of C or K’s sinful desire.  Which is valid and true, You’ve carried me to safety, to healing.  But I must not fool myself into thinking that my own sinful desire isn’t mingled in there as well.  I have been betrayed by the man I love.  I have been wounded deeply.  But I am a sinner just the same.  It is my own sin that Your mercy is saving me from.  Don’t let me forget.  I am desperate for You.  So needy.  And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

In the midst of pain and a wounded heart, it was easy to read the Bible and only apply it to C as the sinner.   But that is a dirty, dirty lie.  How easy it is for us humans to look at other's failures, other's sins, other's foolish choices and thank that we are better than them.  Well, let me just give you the truth here.  We aren't.  We are just as guilty.  We are just as deserving of Hell.  We are all hypocrites.  It's just that not all of us have our sins, our bad choices, our hypocrisy exposed to the world. We read articles of people in the lime light, Christian or not, who have affairs.  Who hide emails.  Who look at porn.  Who do this or that ugly thing.  And then we think to ourselves, "Phew.  I'm not that bad." or "Geeze, thankfully no one get's to look at the websites I've been browsing."  "Man, good thing no one can read my mind."  Don't just so quickly the sins of others.  Pull the log from your own eye first.  Confess your weakness first.  Seek Jesus first.  Confess your hidden sins, first.  I am as guilty.  So are you.  Even if you don't want to admit it. 

You are not a good person, K.

After I emailed K, her husband G, called my husband C.  Can you believe that?  G wanted to hear from C's mouth the story of their affair.  G wanted to see if what C said lined up with what K said.  Some things didn't and I am sure that was pretty hard on G.  Months and months later, I would realize how hard that was on him.   

My response to K’s email:

Sep 30

K, I have to confess, I was shocked to even hear from you.  Also, I have to confess, I am shocked that my heart is as soft towards you as it is.  But that is the work of the Lord...and time.  I've had 5 weeks to wrestle with every possible emotion and when I think of G having to go through this right now, it brings me to tears.  Because I know how he is feeling.  I all too well understand his anger.  His hurt.  I think he handled his conversation with C like a man, with a lot of self-control.  G is where I was when I sent you the very first email in August.  So please don't think that I don't fully and all too completely understand how fresh G's wounds are.  But I hope that you can see (and G too) that there is hope.
I thank you for offering your apology to me.  I forgive you, Kim.  I really do.  I could not choose to offer forgiveness to my husband and yet withhold it from you.  So I do.  I forgive you from my heart.  
One thing I wanted to touch on from your response was this:  You are not a good person.  I am not a good person.  Neither is C or G.  We are all sinners who make foolish choices.  All destine for Hell.  It is because we are not good, because we are all sinners that Christ died on the Cross.  You chose sin.  C chose sin.  I choose it.  There is no gradient scale for sin.  God does not see me any better than He sees you.  Praise Him!  But please don't fool yourself into thinking that you, or any of us are "good people".  Because that would be a disgrace to the sacrifice that Jesus (the only good and perfect person) gave for us.  If we are good, then His sacrifice was for nothing.  His sacrifice was for EVERYTHING.   Everyone.
Like I said in my last email, C wasn't totally honest with me in the beginning either.  He was (not on purpose either) forgetting details.  But as he remembered, as the days went on, or as my questions stirred his memory, he shared honestly with me.  Because he knew it was better to share openly NOW, rather than have anything come up later on and attempt to destroy our marriage again.  I know it's hard and scary.  But being on the victim's side (like G) I can honestly say I wanted to know everything.  I didn't want anything hidden from me anymore.  I'd been deceived for far too long.  So I'm glad that you feel like last night you finally got it all out.  Keep going.
Find the roots, K, to why you made the choices you did.  I'm not pointing my finger at you right now, I just want you try and draw out some of the deep rooted issues as to why you acted in the way that you did.  C and I have been through the ringer of the "whys" on his end of the affair.  What are your insecurities?  We've all got them.  What is lacking in your marriage that made you turn to another man?  Get yourself and your marriage into counseling.  And not with your pastor, because quite honestly it sounds like he's pretty deceived in the biblical way to handle this situation.  But really, I just want you to figure out who you are.  So that you don't have to continue to live in the traps of insecurity.  And shame.  Let go of that.  Jesus died on the Cross to forgive your affair.  C's affair. (I don't ever want you to think that I believe him any less guilty then you).  Let Jesus forgive you and tenderly minister to you soul.  Cling to Him, K.  It is the only way that you will be able to live.  The only way your marriage will be able to survive this.  You and G cannot fix this.  Only God can.  And He want's too.
Again, you are welcome to respond if you'd like.  But just know, as you are, I'm praying.  Constantly in prayer, K.

Oh. My. Goodness. She emailed me back.

I opened my email a day later and my jaw dropped to the floor.  She emailed me back.  Hear pounding, lungs struggling to function, I read her email.

A response from K:

Sep 30

Hi R,
Thank you for your email.  I am so sorry for all of the pain that I have caused everyone involved.  My heart is heavy knowing what I have done.  Please know that I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused your family.
Please keep in mind that my husband’s wounds are very fresh.  He just heard the entire story.  He is angry, and is blaming everyone (including me).  Because he knows this is so out of character for me, I think he is trying to see what made me act in the poor way that I did. 
About a year ago, we were at church, and there was a sermon on rebuilding marriages.  Our pastor spoke about a couple he was counseling and the man had had an affair.  He wanted to tell his wife everything.  However, our pastor said that telling her all of the details would only cause immense pain to his wife.  It would make him feel better, but it would cause unnecessary pain for her.  When I had to make a decision on what to tell G, I kept hearing our pastor’s voice in my head.  I wanted to protect him from pain.
However, as time went on, I started to doubt my choice.  I didn’t know what was the best thing to do for G, our marriage.  I decided to tell him the details.  Without meaning to, I did leave the nitty gritty details out.  I guess I was still trying to protect him.  I am now trying to tell him every detail I can remember.  My mind is such a mess right now that I am not thinking straight.  I am forgetting some things.  Not on purpose, but just the same.  I honestly feel that after last night I have told G everything and cleared up any misconceptions he had due to details I had accidentally left out.
Please know that I am praying for the healing and rebuilding of all involved.  I truly am not a bad person.  I have just made some really, really bad choices lately.  I pray for forgiveness and healing for all involved constantly.
K

Did you catch that?  What her pastor told her?  That is NOT ok.  Never, never never is it ok to hide our sin from our spouse.  Nothing could ever be more damaging.  Bad advice.  Very very bad.  I had to respond again.  Had to.

A phone call that rattled

September 28^th

Good morning girls.  Thought I'd give you all a quick update.  Overall, this last week or so has been good.  C and I have had to have a few hard discussions (a necessary result of God continuing to draw out sin and roots of sin in our individual lives and marriage) and though no one likes those hard discussions while in them...I'm so thankful to be really talking to him.  But like I said, overall things have been good.  I've really actually been enjoying the time I've spent with C.  I look forward to it.  I feel encouraged by him and by his heart to really pursue God and better love and pursue me as a result.  I've told a few of you gals this, but I feel like I finally have the husband I've always knew was in C.  I am however continuing to go slowly....spending time daily in prayer.  One of the most pivotal things that God has taught me through this whole thing is that I can love C,  I can enjoy my time with him.  I can look forward to spending time with him. But he is not a replacement for God.  Only the Lord can fully satisfy me.  C is just a perk.  A great perk.  I had an encouraging time praying and reading the Word this morning.  

From my journal:

-Thank You, Jesus, for waking me early this morning!  I need You.  There is no substitution for you, I need You daily.  You refresh me more than sleep.

It's so interesting to me, how it can seem like C and I are doing so well, then a bomb gets dropped on us.  K's best friend called C yesterday.  K just now read my Facebook email and she is freaked out and paranoid that I'm going to call her names or out her affair with C on her Facebook page.  I would never do either of those things, but I understand her fear....hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned and she's afraid I'm going to be nasty.  She wonders why C regrets the C.D. he made her.  She wonders why he so quickly cut things off with her and confessed to me.  C told K's friend that she and K should both come clean to their husbands.  That he intends to tell G (K's husband) someday and seek his forgiveness.  This of course totally freaked her out.  Lord, I genuinely don't want their marriage to fail.  I pray God that You would make Yourself very real, personal and full of love for both K's and their husbands.  I pray that their marriages could be restored too.  I do not wish evil or harm for these women or their lives.  Continue to give me a heart like Yours, Jesus.  I'm hurt by that woman, by her actions---but as is true with C, I am a sinner just as she is.  She needs You.  She needs Your redemption and You want her for Your daughter.  I do pray, that C would not have any other conversations with anyone involved in this w/out my being present.  There is a bit of me that still has a hard time trusting C.  Indeed, You've done a mighty work in us and I pray for complete restoration---but I still don't really trust him, and I desire to be present when those kinds of interactions happen.  I know it's hard for C to not have my trust, but I also know and am thankful that he understands and is willing to wait patiently for me.  

C is moving full speed ahead (not in an aggressive or pushy way, he's just excited) with our relationship, but I find myself moving much slower.  I am anxious, but I am hopeful.  I just need to go slowly.  I hope and pray this isn't a discouragement to C.  Jesus, continue to grow our marriage, not for my comfort, but for Your glory.  Your gospel.  Just because thing are "better" between C and I, doesn't mean I'm not still desperate to hang onto You.  I don't want to build another alter, I don't want to make C and my marriage an idol.  Help me to love C fiercely and enjoy my marriage, but not love him more fiercely then I love You.  Because I love you, Jesus.  I am nothing without You.  You are the one carrying and supporting and healing me.  Not C.  He is following behind.  He is obeying Your commands and doing what he can to assist You--- but You are the one carrying me.  Thank You for never putting me down in this war, or for letting this wounded soldier go.  Thank you for speaking truth and comfort in my ear.  

1 Thes. 5:13-18  ...Be at peace among yourselves.  And we urge you brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.  See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.  Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I've struggled in my heart recently with anger towards and hurt from my sisters and brothers and the lack of pursuit from them towards either C or I.  But Your Word instructs me to be at peace.  That I need not worry about being admonished, encouraged, helped by others.  But that I need to admonish, encourage, help, and be patient with others regardless.  Jesus, help my heart to not seek or hope for evil towards K.  But let me seek to do good by praying for her. I rejoice, Lord, in this severe mercy.  Let my every breath be a prayer to You. Thank You for Your will for me.  For C.  For our marriage.

So that's where I'm at this morning.  Thank you for praying for me, sisters.  I love you all.

In this you rejoice...

September 13^th

hey ladies.  tonight C sent me a text that said: 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I went into my room and read it, and God tenderly lead me through a treasure trove of  scripture for my heart tonight.  I’ll share my journaling with you:

Your Word, Lord, it's like manna from heaven, feeding my starving soul.

1 Peter:1:6-7: In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Jesus, my entire being cries out to You that the tested genuineness of my faith -- in this trial of C's affair, and the trials of life to come -- that it may be found to result in praise and glory and honor of You.  Never before this whole thing have I truly grasped the mightiness, the gloriousness of Your Gospel.  Lord, let nothing else ever matter more to me.

1 Peter 4:1-2, 12-13: Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourself with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.  12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

Lord, I want this experience to change everything about me.  every relationship around me.  I want to live no longer for human passions, worshiping my husband, my marriage, my image, money, my kids, my title as a mom -- I don't want to live for those things anymore.  but I want to live for the will of God.  Your will, Your passions.  I rejoice at this fiery trial, insofar as I’m sharing in your sufferings.  You were betrayed by the one's You loved...and You loved them still.  Help me to still love C.  You suffered, You suffered every time we give our hearts to something/someone other than You, when our hearts are supposed to belong to You.  C gave his heart to another woman.  But I will rejoice Jesus, when Your glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:19: Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

I will continue on, living for You.  Though I suffer according to Your will, I will entrust my soul to You, my faithful Creator.  And I will keep doing good-- sharing the good news and truth of Your perfect and glorious sacrifice.  What's done is done, and the past is behind me.  I can't change what happened, but I have a choice in how I am going to live in the future.

And it is the promise at the end of these next verses that will spur me on, to keep going, to endure with joy.

1 Peter 5:6-11: Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful.  Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen.

I humble myself, Father, wholly and completely under your mighty hand.  I care not to be exalted myself, I only want to exalt You!  You care for me, You know my anxieties-- and You take them, relieve me of them with Your perfect truth and love.  I know that the devil is seeking to destroy me, my marriage-- the picture of Your Gospel.  But he will not devour me.  Or my marriage.  You are mightier than he.  I am in the midst of Your healing,  I know that You are restoring me, confirming, strengthening and establishing me.  No matter the future I am Yours.  I am Your bride.  Mighty God, to you be the dominion forever and ever.  Amen

This has been a good couple of half hours.  Praise God for His Word.  His truth.  His might.

The Gospel came in POWER

I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was just 10 years old.  I was invited to AWANAS by a friend and it was there that a woman spoke into my life about who Jesus was and what it meant to "accept Him".  I remember laying in my bed at a little 10 year old and asking Jesus to come into my heart.  Shortly after that, the family that loved on my and showed me Christ, and shared His gift with me moved away...and so did my general direction regarding the Lord.  It wasn't until I was 18 year old that I began walking with the Lord again, and it wasn't until I was 28 years old and my husband had confessed adultery to me that I truly understood the Gospel. 

September 21, 2011 from my journal:

I’m having a rough day, Lord.  I know You know, but I woke up feeling angry.  Defeated.  I feel angry at You, God.  I feel angry that C had an affair.  I feel angry that we sold our house.  I feel angry that I have to drive back and forth from my parents.  I feel angry that I’m a single mom right now.  I feel angry and frustrated.  I know that this is not a good place for my heart to be.  But I’m not so foolish as to believe that I’m not going to have days like this.  I’m thankful that You are big enough to stand my anger.  I’m thankful that I have the hope of knowing I’m not going to stay mad.  I feel frustrated that no one is checking in on C and I.  That I have to be the one to pursue still.  I feel angry that no one even responds to my emails.  I know that others have their own things going on, but I just feel a little…ignored?

September 26, 2011 from my journal:

I realize more daily how thankful I am to go through this trial.  I rejoice in this  severe mercy.  One, because I finally have the husband I’d always longed for, but most importantly, because I’ve realized I’ve always had the husband I longed for…You.  You have my heart completely.  I have amazing days with C right now.  You’ve truly worked a miracle in our marriage.  And the thing that I love the most about my amazing days with him?  That I still long for time with You.  I desire You more.  My earthly husband cannot satisfy me fully.  You can, and You do.  Thank you for carrying me through this war.  Thank You for healing my wound, for giving me medication through Your Word.  Thank You for restoring my marriage and giving me back my husband.  And thank you for restoring myself back to You.  Thank you for the Gospel. Thank You for helping me to understand it better than I ever could before this severe mercy. 

1 Thessalonians 1:4-10

For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen You, because our Gospel came to you not only in word, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction…you became imitators of us and of the LORD, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, so that you became an example to all the believers…For not only has the word of the LORD sounded forth from you, but your faith in God has gone forth everywhere, so that we need not say anything…and how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, Jesus, who delivers us from the wrath to come.

I don’t know that I was “chosen” by You, but I know that I am loved by You.  And I know that the Gospel came to me not only in Your Word, but in power to restore my marriage.  I receive Your Word in much affliction with the joy of the Holy Spirit.  I want to be an example to all believers, not to boast about myself, but to boast about You and Your mightiness.  I will continue to turn from idols.  Dig them up out of me, Jesus.  I want to serve You, the Living and True God.

The wound ripped open.

September 10, 2011 from my journal:

I drove past that bar tonight and it was too sharp a turn for my wound.  It ripped right open. 

The images of them together, dancing holding hands, her in his lap, them kissing, and it ripped my wound open. 

But You, Jesus, are still carrying me through this war.  You are not growing weary carrying me in Your arms, You are not growing weary of my weight.  And when I ask You for comfort, You give it to me.  Thank You for carrying me, the wounded soldier.  You are my Hero.  Be my salve.  Let Your Word and Your truth be my healing balm.  

Restore first and most importantly C and I’s marriage to You, as we are Your Brides.  Then, please, restore C and I’s marriage to one another.  And for Your glory.  I don’t want it for the praise of man.  I don’t want to hear how brave I am.  I don’t need or deserve the praise for having my heart be where it is.  

You do.  

You deserve the praise because I know, I cannot forgive and heal and grow on my own.  Only you can restore.  Only You can rebuild.  Let me not forget Isaiah 42:9.  Help me to not become bogged down with the "what if’s", with the images of C's betrayal. 

Make me like You.  You don’t see our sin.  You remember it no more.  Help me to remember C’s sin no more.  New things, Jesus, new things now I declare with You.

Divorce.

When we think of idols, we often refer our minds to a carved piece of wood.  Or a shaped and molded piece of metal.  But an idol doesn't have to look like that at all, and it's often the idols that don't fit a "physical" mold that are the most damaging.  It took my husband's confession of adultery for me to finally recognize the indeed he was my biggest, most destructive idol.  What on earth do I mean by this?  Well, I was more focused on "pleasing", "satisfying", and living up to his standards (which is silly because he didn't even have standards for me, he loved me as i was!) than God's, who is my true Husband.  I was the cheerleader for: "happy home, happy husband!"  I wore the clothes he liked, the jewelry he liked, the make up he liked.  I preached a hard lesson of, "have sex with your husband at every chance you get!"  After all, if you are having sex with him often and keeping him satisfied at home, why on earth would he ever wander?  

YUCK!

Granted, these aren't bad things, but I  was putting my hope and my security of my marriage on these things instead of on the Lord.  My husband had an affair with another woman despite my effort to control this very thing.  Your husband might too.  I am not wishing this on you!  I would never ever ever ever want this for you, but what I want to communicate to you is this:  Jesus is your Husband.  Even if your husband, your wife betray's you, Jesus never will.  He will always be your Husband and you are His cherished, beloved Bride.  

Be cautious.  LOVE your husband!  Love him!!!!!!  But, do not turn him into an idol.

September 6, 2011 from my journal:

C talked about how he and I have gone through a divorce.  That divorce happened when he broke the covenant of our marriage vows.  And now he and I are dating again.  Boyfriend and girlfriend.  It feels at the same time scary and exciting.  He does not touch me, and I’m ok with that.  When we were dating/engaged we only kissed, but the intensity of it and frequency was too much.  He says that isn’t going to happen this time.  We’ll go slowly.  We also talked about how I need to grow.  How I need to be wary of turning C into and idol.  I don’t think it was intentional.  But it’s true, I did.  I took more security in having him for a husband.  But You are my Husband first.  My worry and fear is that C and I will with Your grace, by Your hand restore our marriage, and that he’ll cheat again.  But what I’m realizing is this:  he might.  He might start drinking again.  Looking at porn again. He might, but that cannot stop me from trusting You.  If that causes me to halt in fear, then C is still and idol to me.  My trust, my worship must be Yours.  No matter what.  Jesus, help me to let him be my husband without allowing him to become my Husband.  You will never leave me.  You will never cheat on me, steal from and betray me.  My future doesn't depend on C.  Truly, he doesn’t matter in the big picture.  You do.  That doesn’t mean I can’t love him, and enjoy him. He just can’t become more to me than You.  He can’t.

March on my soul, be strong.

September 7, 2011 from my journal:

I feel mad at C, I feel like this wound is festering right now.  Jesus, I need you.  I need Your truth that You are trustworthy.  You will never leave me.  As my Father, You hurt for me.  You have me, God.  I know you have me.

-March on my soul, be strong.

-The former things have come to pass, and now new things You declare.

I’m going to be ok.  No matter what the outcome of my marriage, I will always be Your bride.  Protect us from Satan.  Help us to recognize the lies.  Don’t let C forget the sting.  Change him.  Change me.

Psalm 138:3

On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.

Psalm 139:5

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.

Let not your emotion be an excuse for sin

I was the woman betrayed.  That gives me the right to be angry at the world, right?  Wrong.  This was certainly a time of learning to lay down my anger, to lay down my wounds, and trust that Jesus would heal.  When we are angry and hurt, we can often times feel justified in sinning in our actions, in our words, and even in our thought life.  This isn't ok!  There is a righteous anger, yes, and that is ok.  But to sin in anger is different.  

This is an email to some of the dear women who were helping to keep me accountable during this hard hard time.  

Hi.

I felt the need to share this with you all, to confess my sin during this time.  This is taken from my journal this afternoon:

“A sent me an email today and overall he was just comforting and exhorting.  I appreciate him so much, Lord.  He and S are taking on a heavy burden, one they don't deserve to have to carry.  Bless them, Jesus, bless them.  At one point in the email A said, ' My one caution for today and even this week:  Let not your emotion and anger and wrestling be an excuse for sin.  All that you're feeling is valid, but not to let yourself willfully yield to sin.'  But what does that look like, God?  How do I distinguish my anger from sin?  I really want to understand this because I truly do want to be above reproach right now.  Is calling him a bastard sin?  Was emailing the woman sin?  Is not telling my parents sin?  How can I distinguish?  Maybe he's thinking less in regards to my actions and words and more about sinning in my thought life.  Like I can't read blogs or twitter/FB etc. because I'm just angry at everyone.  Their lives go on while mine has stopped.  They can post trivial stupid little updates; all I have is heaviness of heart.  I turned to them as a means to just check out, not think about this whole mess right now.  Which I should have known would be futile.  When I read the blog about the mom who was tired because she's going through a trying time of discipline with her one son, I wanted to tell her to shut up and deal.  Forgetting that that used to be a trying time for me too.  When I read about the friend, freshly engaged and gaga over her fiancé-- I want to say, "good for you, enjoy it while it lasts because it will probably end in a C.D. about making a great soundtrack with some other woman."  Forgetting that I was her 8.5yrs ago.  Or when the friend posts about having the "worst night of her life" because her dog died.  And I want to say, "Get over it.  Try having your husband use, steal from, and betray you.  Maybe that would feel like the worst night of your life."  But, this is wrong.  These thoughts, they are sin.  Help me to gain control of my thought life.  Let me only think, say and do that which will bring You glory and honor.  I'm cutting out the temptation to even sin in my thoughts by not going to blogs or social media websites right now.  Right my heart, God.  Help me to remember this is my battle and those people are friends, not enemies."

Please pray for me sisters.  Pray for protection against the temptation to sin in any way.

The Healing Balm of Truth

Wounds are no fun.  Is that like the understatement of the year (it very well could be since we are only 7 days in!!! hahaha!)?  But truly, a wound, an injury is something that we dread.  And emotional wounds are just as painful as the physical.  I have many physical scars.  One on my knee from when I fell in my driveway running as a little girl.  I remember it hurt like the dickens.  It bled and bled.  It throbbed.  I went into my house and my dad cleaned my bleeding wound.  He was tender and compassionate with me.  He wanted to hear how it happened and listened to me go on and on about how much it hurt.  He washed it out.  He dabbed at it with a clean cloth.  He dried it, gently put neosporin on it and placed a secure bandage over it.  It began to heal quickly as my body provided a natural bandage.   However, because of where it was on my knee, if I bent my knee too quickly, it would pull open.  The pain was sharp and it would bleed again.  I would have to go through the cleansing and healing process of applying balm and a bandage.  In my childishness, sometimes I became bored and would pick at the scab.  You can imagine that again, the wound would be painful and bleed.  Again, the balm, the bandage.  Until finally, one day, it was healed.  No more scab.  However, there remained a big scar.  It was visible and every time I looked at it, I remember how I got it.  I remembered the pain, but I also rested peacefully in the healing.  

As you can imagine, the emotional wound of my husbands affair played out similarly.  The healing balm?  The Bible.  God's tender and gentle words.  God was my Daddy, who carried me after I fell down, who though already knowing what happened, listened to my tearful explanation of how my marriage fell down, and how my heart got ripped wide open, and how badly it hurt.  God cleaned my bleeding wound, He washed it with His Word.  He dabbed at it with the promise of Redemption and with the understanding of what it was like to be betrayed.  He dried my tears and covered my heart with the healing balm of Truth, of worship music, and supportive friends and family.

But there were times, as described below, when it would tear open.  It is a scar now.  A scar that I count as lovely.  A scar that I would never remove, because it continually reminds me of the Gospel and of my desperate need of it.

September 5, 2011 from my journal:

Jesus, good morning!  I need to praise You, Father, for the good work You are doing around and in me.  Each day that goes by the wound of C’s affair heals a little more.  But like all physical wounds, there are times where I twist too sharp, a memory, a question, something pulls the wound open again.  And it bleeds, it festers, until I put the healing balm of Your truth on it.  And there are times where I chose to pick at it, to open it up to bleed again.  And again, it doesn’t begin to heal up until I put Your healing balm on it.  I know God, this wound will heal.  I also know that it will scar.  Be a big scar.  A reminder of this pain.  But, like any physical scar, though I see it, and remember how I got it; it will no longer hurt.  And I praise You, Healer, great Physician, for caring ever so tenderly for my wound.  With any other doctor, this would be a fatal wound, but not with You.

Wrestling with fear.

September 2, 2011 from my journal:

I don’t like this day very much.  I really just feel sad today.  Quiet.  Kind of scared and for sure feeling stressed.  Jesus, I need You to carry me today.  I was starting to believe that maybe I could limp along on my own a little bit, but I can’t.  I can’t at all.

I’m wrestling with fear and worry today.  C seemed to choose to go to “affair land” aka Disneyland because he wasn’t happy in our marriage.  He needed to vacation from me.  Well, his life really sucks now.  He’s under house arrest, he has a wife who’s a wreck.  We’re trying to find a place to live.  He’s having to confess over and over to people.  We have to go to counseling.  If he was unhappy, stressed and needing a vacation to “affair land” where he could dance and drink and kiss his worries away, how much more is he going to want to escape now?  I know, I know, God. Trust You.  Trust You. I’m just so scared.  I feel so helpless.  My life is a nightmare.  Carry me, Jesus, carry me. 

I feel like retreating.  I feel smothered.  I’m so tired of having to “fill” people in.  Tired of touching base.  I just want to be alone.  I don’t’ want sympathy. I’m tired of being looked at like, poor little R.  I just want You, Jesus.  I want to retreat, to close off from everyone else. 

Am I lovely?

It was not only my marriage that Satan sought to destroy through my husbands adultery, but me.  Who I was, am, would be.  There were days that Satan had me convinced that I deserved to have a husband who cheated.  There were days that Satan had me convinced that I wasn't lovely or lovable.  It is so much easier to believe the lies of Satan than Truth.  I don't know why that is, but I do know that is the very reason we need to consistently be in the Word.  That is why we need to be praying and communicating with God, with Truth Himself.  That is why we need fellowship and people willing to speak hard truths into our lives.  Because Satan is a destroyer and he will attack us in our most weak places.

The weight of forgiveness is heavy.  More so for the person withholding it than for the person who it needs to be offered to.  And forgiveness is a process, and a process of the heart that happens again and again and again.  Forgiveness is not a magical fix all.  I had hoped for a laid out timeline for forgiveness, but learned that it's individual and there is no "plan" to follow.  It just happens, by the grace of God, it can happen.

September 1, 2011 from my journal:

Dear Jesus, it’s a new month.  A new morning.  I’m still holding onto Isaiah 42:9: Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things no I declare.

It’s a new day.  You are shaping a new husband for me.  A new marriage.  A new me.  Thank You that Your mercies never come to an end.  I still feel heavy this morning, with the weight of my reality, with the work of the things I have set before me.  But you make me feel strong enough to handle it.

Today the tape that Satan is playing in my ear is one of my own insecurities.  My every physical flaw has never stuck out so clearly to me.  So painfully.  “She’s skinny as a rail.” Is what he told me about her.  I am not.  Not even close.  Never has the stretch marks, the cellulite and the looseness of my skin after having babies ever been so painfully and glaringly obvious to me.  I’m battling the thoughts that one day, when we are intimate again, they will be glaringly obvious to him too.  And unappealing.  I do not look like the girls in porn.  My boobs are saggy and have stretch marks.  My butt is flat.  My arms are flabby.  My calves are too big. My stomach too loose.  I’m not physically lovely.  This is my battle today.  This my wound. 

God, I know there is no magic timeline.  I know I’m going to have good days and bad.  Part of me feels really hopeful, really ready to move forward.  And another part of me thinks that’s too fast.  That I am not ready to forgive.  But what I’m struggling to discern is if my hesitancy to more forward is because people keep telling me I need to go slow?  Or because I want C to continue to feel the sting?  Or do I want to move forward because I truly am ready to forgive?  Or out of fear of pushing C away/over the edge?  How can I discern?